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Positives and Negatives

So, we are on a once a month plan now, is the way it’s shaking out, I guess? Hi, June!

Part of my deal right now is that nothing is really going gangbusters for me except work and some activisms, and don’t nobody want to read a blog about me on my work grind, and my activisms may also kill you dead with boredom, so. Yeah. Um. This is kind of my life right now? (cricket sounds)

My mom, sister, and half the total number of nieces and nephews I have left yesterday for a month long trip to visit fam in Fiji and in case you haven’t noticed I didn’t include someone called MS. ME in the list of trip-goers. BOOOOOOOOO. This is not only a major bummer because I am not on the trip, but it is also a major bummer because I talk to my mom a lot and talking on the phone from Fiji is really not an option for us and so I don’t get to talk to her for a month. Let’s say it again: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I am a grown ass woman but I already miss my momma.

As long as we are talking about things that are boo-worthy, let me complain about the following: why my favorite people all gotta live so far away? UGH, YOU GUYS, MOVE HERE, I AM LONELY.

Also, I am mad at public restrooms that make a loud sound when you unscroll the toilet paper. Why do other people have to know how much teepee is being unfurled? This should be a silent transaction.

See, I have all kinds of complaints, from large to small.

Let’s turn this frown upside down though! SOME POSITIVE SUNSHINE NEWS, PLS.

I have a new niece! All shiny, right out of the packaging, and she is fer-reaking cute.

Delium came to visit us from his new home in Arizona (where they apparently can’t even fly planes out of anymore because it is a fiery hellscape?!?) and we yukked it up. He’s only been gone a couple months but gotdammit it was nice to have him around for a weekend.

I have been listening to this podcast and guffawing on the train on the way to work, with snorts.

Sza’s new album! So delish.

I’ll get my equilibrium back soon enough, y’all, and blogging will pick back up I am sure. I hope you are taking care of yourselves and each other out there.

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Sad song self care

Remember a couple posts ago when I went on and on about self care? Well, you know what I say to that person, who wrote that post? HA HA YOU SO CUTE BUT WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT IT GO ON SAY MORE ABOUT IT YA DANG GENIUS.

I have been sucking at the self care lately, friends. Badly. I don’t know what happened! I used to have it figured out! But now! It’s all gone! Where it go? Why it gone? Sheeeeeeeeeeeet.

I have always been a busy person, a fill-up-my days person, a why do three things when I can do seven things person. So quantity is not my issue, I don’t think, at this point. But these days, it all just feels different. I feel like I have been living inside of a hurricane, and not the middle calm part, but rather the spinny part, and not the spinny part in the fun Right Round Baby Right Round Like a Record Baby part, but rather in the make it stop or else I may puke part. I had a dream one night that I was in a protest and my protest sign just said “U S A! I D K!” Which kind of sums it all up, in a way. There is so very much IDK all around that I am grasping to hold onto the knowns. The Known Knowns, as a certain villain of the past used to say. I want to say that I am tired all the time, but I have always been a person that is tired all the time. I haven’t really slept well since my early 20s so ain’t no thing but a chicken wing when it comes to tired. But these days, my tired at the end of the day is a hazy, glazy tired, where I just feel like what? What happened? Who now? What then? How come? Who dis?

Anyhoozle, on top of all that, I have had a hankering for melancholic music, the kind that has a heaviness you can feel in your guts. Before everything spins into the air, a heavy guts song can be just the thing. Take me down, Ye.

FML, Kanye West

 

Dance card full up

Time, as Steve Miller would say, keeps on tripping tripping tripping into the future. WHY AM I QUOTING STEVE MILLER IDK THE APOCALYPSE IS HAPPENING THIS IS ONE OF THE SIGNS. If I start saying Jimmy Buffet things, please proceed to your panic rooms and don’t come out.

All I am trying to say is, honestly, I do not know how my days can get any thicker. I am packing the everloving shit into each and every waking minute, y’all. I feel like there will be a breaking point, but so far the seams are holding. The density of days is contributing to this feeling where time is simultaneously moving slow over the longer term (only one month since inauguration day? HOW?) yet at lightning speed within each day. Can we just take a moment and congratulate ourselves on filling the days to the gills, please? How are we making time expand to fit it all in? To keep up with work, and organizing, and friends, and fam, and community, and projects, and you know, desperately doing all the things to stop that fire hose of garbage spewing at us ? I know that whatever I am doing is never really enough, but let’s not focus on that for just one second and focus on the fact that I am LEGIT HUSTLING, and if you are too, GO YOU. If this shit goes down the crapper, it’s not because we didn’t work our fucking asses off, right? At least we can say that.

I just realized that the lyric is time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future. I think? Dipping? Flipping? Quipping? OH PLEASE I WANT IT TO BE QUIPPING. This makes it more appropes to me.

Anyway, just checking in to say WHEW, and OMG, and CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE TIMES, and, especially to you if you are hustling your hardest: WE GOT THIS OR MAYBE WE DON’T BUT WE ARE DOING ARE GODDAMNEDEST SO YAY YOU.

Let’s go, quipping into the fyootch, friendlings.

 

Clumsy

Within the last week, the following things have happened:

I slipped on a wet spot on the ground and fell down in front of a long line of people waiting to get into an event. I managed to not fall completely on my ass, instead ending up in a sort of bended-knee-proposal position. None of the people in line looked at me like they wanted to marry me.

The following day, I slipped and fell down again. Somehow, the only thing that hurt afterwards was my right index finger.

My dude, when coming home, tripped up our front stairs and scraped up his hand.

My dude, while walking on our sidewalk with a box of pizza he was bringing home for dinner, dropped the pizza box in just such a way so that the top flew open and the pizza came out and landed in the gutter.

My computer decided to stop working. After that was fixed, my printer stopped working. Both of these events made me late for things.

Once my computer was working, I sat down the following evening and knocked my glass of water over with such force that it soaked my computer.

I THINK THERE IS STRESS HAPPENING AROUND HERE, IDK GUYS

Rocking It

Well, I have really been LIVING MY BEST LIFE lately, my friends. I mean, get your envy chaps on because you are going to be hella jella after reading this latest update.

First of all! One sentence ago, I invented “envy chaps.” Sign me up for Shark Tank.

Second of all! I was leaving the second floor of an office building and, just as jaunty as you please, fell down an entire flight of stairs. Like, I even threw in a ROLL as I made my way down. I ended up on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, where a man ran toward me saying “Oh my god, are you ok?” and I was, except I fucked up something in my shoulder pretty good. It’s been hurting ever since.

Third of all! While brushing my teeth and listening to a podcast, I knocked my phone off of the sink edge. The phone hit the side of the toilet tank, the phone case flew off and plunked right into the toilet.

Fourth of all! I was in a classy eatery, and unbeknownst to me a birdie had flown into the restaurant. Though at first it was unbeknownst to me, it soon became very beknownst to me, via this little effing chirp chirp dropping a poopoo bomb directly onto the top of my skull right in the middle of brunch.

Fifth of all! Someone got a hold of my credit card digits and charged a bunch of monies at a hair salon in Des Moines. I don’t know what all you’d drop that many duckets on at a hair cutting joint, but someone decided to, using my credit.

Life plus me equals NAILING IT

A Summer Disregard, A Broken Bottle Top

Oh my GOURD, you guys. I HAVE MISSED YOU.

Time has had a squeeze around my bony little neck these days and I don’t really even understand why this is happening. I have to get this shit IN HAND like, immediamente. There are several things that are an indication to me that I need to look at the Man in the Mirror and ask him to Make a Change, and here are some of them.

  1. I do not have 15 minutes to write a blog post? Sucka please.
  2. Several times in the past month I have been the a-hole that doesn’t respond to a friend’s text. I do not want to be that a-hole, but alas, I have done it.
  3. I, without fail, talk to my mom on the phone every day. Except, I have to amend this statement to “I, with fail, talk to my mom on the phone every day.”

So this is me, having an intervention with myself. Self, I am concerned. Don’t be defensive, self. But you kind of need to get over yourself, because this has left Ridiculous and entered Dumb. I am here to help you. You can do this. If you do, I will promise to stop calling you Self. Because that is weird, self. Stop it.

MAKE THAT CHAAAAAAAAANGE

Cell phone war

My phone has been telling me for many months that it would like to retire, please. It told me on numerous occasions that it would much rather be sipping mint juleps in a cell phone condo in Boca Raton instead of slaving away for me in soggy Seattle, texting my friends for me and making sure I keep up with Jenny Slate on Twitter. I ignored my cell phone for a long time on this point, not filing the paperwork and such, until it couldn’t take my shit anymore and started going on strike. You want to listen to your dumb podcast while on your way to your dumb bourgie brunch, lady? it said. Well, I feel like playing you the Sound of Silence and I’m not talking about Simon and funking Garfunkel. It shut down constantly. It stopped letting me text certain people most of the time, and stopped letting me text other people ever again. I had a whole text conversation with Alli and Map, but I couldn’t text Map, so I would text Alli and tell her to please pass the text on to Map, and she put up with that bee ess and didn’t tell me to retire my goddamn phone already.

Day before yesterday, my phone just closed up shop for good. Incoming business was still functioning but it put a gag order on my saying anything to anyone or looking anything up. This meant that people were trying to contact me, and I could see that, but I was unable to respond in any way, therefore making me look like a royal buttmunch who ignores people who are speaking directly to me. Game recognize game, cell phone.

This is how I came to be in a phone store near my work yesterday, forlornly looking for a new phone because my old phone clearly hates my guts. I walked in, and even though I knew what I was there to buy exactly, I milled about the store, because that’s what you do in tech stores now since they no longer believe in having clear queues that one gets in for service (get off my lawn, tech stores!). A woman with a tech store polo shirt on, a tablet, and an earpiece came over and asked me what I needed, and I told her I would like to buy a phone, please. She said someone would be with me in a moment, and then left me to mill about some more. But before she left me, she stopped short and said: “I love your skirt” in a very abrupt sort of way, as if surprised by the love of my skirt. As if the love of my skirt were a surprise party for her and had jumped out from behind a credenza to startle her. “Thank you!” I said back. She hovered for a minute, looking hard at the skirt. “I…well. I really love it,” she said again. And then she walked off. You guys, my skirt made her flustered with its awesomeness. My skirt made her breathless with delight. I am the fashionista of the year! I milled about for a while longer. I looked at the phones, and I went over to the tablets. I looked at the readers. I walked the perimeter of the whole store in my awesome skirt. Finally, I decided to sit on a bench and wait. I walked to the bench, and before I sat down, I smoothed my skirt down, front and back.

The hem of the back of my skirt was tucked up under itself, is the thing.

Ok, ok, ok, let’s just make something clear. My ass was not hanging OUT of the tucked skirt. But it was on the border of hanging out. Like, my butt was Tijuana! Which means that that lady was not loving my skirt. That lady was surprised by the fact that she could almost see my fundament running free in her store. Apparently, “I love your skirt!” is code.

Am I wrong to think that she should have told me outright that my trunk junk was on the edge? Am I asking too much that this be an assumed part of basic customer service? I’m just saying, that if her polo shirt would have been dangerously askew in some way, I would have helped a sister out.

I also don’t think it is weird that I feel somehow that my old cell phone was behind this whole situation. That phone hated my guts, people.

Mr Telephone Man, by New Edition

Unrequited Rolo

I have a co-worker who has a giant candy bowl in her office and she keeps everyone on her floor sugar soused for most of the day. I, luckily, do not work on her floor, but I do pop in 3-4 times a week to get my Rolo on. Yesterday, I walked in there and there was ONE CANDY LEFT in the bowl. I took it because I had had an epic, unprecedented case of dumbday that morning and I needed that damn Rolo. I mean, I needed it BAD. I walked out the door with it, unwrapped it, and dropped it on the floor and it Rolo’d its sweet self across the room, away from my gaping maw. MY ROLO WAS LIKE NO-LO.

That story is so the metaphor for my week. It is only Wednesday, though. I feel like I can turn things around. NEVER SURRENDER.

My dude has been on a business trip since Monday, and I would like the record to show that him being gone that long is total crap, and that I object on the grounds of absentia flagrante malfeasance, and that this objection is sustained, and also that I hereby rule in favor of his trip being annulled. [gavel knock] Adjourned.

I see that face you are making at me and I hold you in contempt. Damages: one Rolo that has never been contiguous to any flooring surface, to be paid to me in full via candy dish.

Tomorrow

I have been wanting to write you something but I SO TIRED I CANNOT THINK.

It’s 9pm and it is lights out for me. I need to promise myself to not run myself so dang ragged. And I promise you, dear blog, tomorrow, tomorrow. I love ya, tomorrow. You’re always a day after nowwwwwww. zzzzzzzz

2014 Finito

2014 is about to go into the garbage can, fellas! Ima do this year end quiz one more time. Uno, two, trois, go!
1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
I had my first tarot reading ever, and it was full of surprising and auspicious predictions, which I thoroughly do not believe in yet I was stuffing it all right into my brain and heart and guts because even though I am not superstitious, I still don’t need to be suspicious about stuff that is auspicious. That was fun to say. Let’s throw some more in. Wishes, fishes, bootylicious.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually, for the first time maybe ever, made resolutions last year! 100 books read? CHECK. 100 movies watched? I think I saw maybe 40 movies this year. Two-fifths CHECK. Take a photo a day? Not every day, but I did take a butt-ton more photos this year. BUTT-TON CHECK. 100 dates with people I like? NO IDEA. How did I think I was going to track that without being psycho? Uncheck.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No? Can that be true? I feel like there have been babies popping out everywhere every year for many years now. Was this the first baby-less year? I sort of can’t believe it. I must be having tot amnesia right now.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but there was an extremely close call earlier this year that was effing awful and scared the living bloomers off of me.
5. What trips did you take?
All the usual suspects: Michigan, Chicago, New York, Bay Area, Portland. Plus I was dipped in the nutbarn that is Vegas, and I am never to be the same again.
6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Remember that whole Anger Potato thing I was talking about before? Yeah, I was mad about some stuff earlier this year. Like, stifling mad. I am glad to say that the anger potato has passed, finally, and I am hoping for less of that crap next year.
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Fixy’s birthday was super duper fun in 2014. We rode a ferris wheel! We had a warm day in January! We went to the opera and watched a lady kick the bucket while singing her face off!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This year was a rebuilding year, after the shit show of 2013. I took a lot of care of myself and healed a lot. It was slow going.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Eh, I don’t want to talk about it.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really, although I took two falls this year. One was at the beginning of the year when I somehow convinced myself, against my better judgment, that ice skating was a good idea, which anyone can tell you is wrong if you just think about the dumbness of strapping razor like blades to one’s shoes and then locomoting onto ice. I mean, what kind of bull-feces is that? Second time was just a few weeks ago, so apparently 2014 was brought in and out with my ass kissing the floor. What does this symbolize about the year? Hmmm.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our spontaneous decision to fly to California to see Baryshnikov perform was kind of the best. Aside from being amazing and fun, just the fact that we up and did it last minute when we really had no business doing anything of the sort was pretty sweet.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I had lots of work-related hoo-hah that was celebratory-worthy.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
See: anger potato.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Building our deck! Our lovely, monstrous deck! Our Tyrannosaurus Decks! It was built too late in the year for us to really use, but 2015? YEAR OF DECK PARTAYS AND HOE-DOWNS.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Chicago to see Alli and Map, my homies who know mes.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Cool Kids, by Echosmith, for many reasons.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Way happier. WAY WAY happier. Like, happier times a kajillion.
ii. thinner or fatter? Well, my mom is in town and stuffing my face with baked goods, so probably fatter?
iii. richer or poorer? Richer, just a touch.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hanging out with my peeps, especially Biogirl. She moved to the burbs and it was like we had to have passports to get to each other.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Mowing my yard.
20. How did you spend the holidays?
With my mom, bro, sister-in-law, nephew, and dude. It was hella fun. I am lucky to have a rad fam.
22. Did you fall in love in 2014?
Oh that dude of mine makes me so gushy.
23. How many one-night stands?
This question is so DUMMMMMMB
24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Good Wife and John Oliver. How can The Good Wife just keep getting better and better like that? How can John Oliver make me laugh at depressing news items? These are the mysteries of tv times.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.
26. What was the best book you read?
Women in Clothes. I wanted to EAT THE PAGES I loved it so much.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don’t know- lots. I liked Sylvan Esso a bunch. Also that Lemonade song by Danity Kane was sort of my jam for a while. I am sinking in to the new D’Angelo. FKA Twigs. Just, lots.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Lunchbox got me squarely in my innards.
29. What did you do on your birthday?
Not much on my actual birthday, but right around then, I took a trip to New York. I cannot even tell you how it made me feel. After the hellish festival of horrible that was 2013, I had been feeling better all year, bit by bit, but right around my birthday was the tipping point in my year where I needed a balls out fantastic time to remember myself fully. My beloved pal Maddie plus my beloved NYC made it happen. The. Best. Time. Sewed up my soul.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
The other day I was at a meeting and we had to go around the table and, as an ice breaker, tell the group an interest we have outside of work. One person, clearly a for reals genius, said “sleep.” I was so taken with this person and this answer that I sort of stared at them for a minute. THIS IS A PERFECT ANSWER. I think she thought I was mean-mugging her, I was looking so thunderstruck. Anyway, to answer this question: more sleep.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
I love apparel. This year my fashion concept stayed much the same (I am choosy as a Jiffy-choosing mom when it comes to fashion) but I did expand my repertoire a bit. Like for instance, pants. I branched out into pants! This is a huge broadening of horizon for me. 2014! The year I joined The SIsterhood of the Wearing of Pants!
32. What kept you sane?
My guy. Or maybe he kept me insane. One of those.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I spent an inordinate amount of time contemplating the Kardashians. I have theories upon theories about them. I feel like a Kardashian savant. Literally no one in my life cares about this, much the way you must feel right now.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Events in Ferguson and all intersecting issues around it.
35. Who did you miss?
My dad.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
I met another blog friend- this time it was Aine from the UK, who swung through Seattle and contacted me to say hello. She was a frigging delight.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
Healing takes time and patience, and some things can never heal, but instead may just change. Sounds trite, but it’s true.
38. A song lyric that sums up your year.

Breakfast, by Kelis:

Sometimes it’s just so dark/And I can’t see past my hand
But you’re solid as a rock/You’re everything I love
And I done all that I can/You told me still stand
When it’s said and done/I am just what I am

So much of who we are/Is from who taught us how to love
So much of who we are/Is from who first taught us how to love

This is the real thing
The real thing about us
Welcome to the world

Happy New Year, everyone. Love to you in 2015.