Lordy Lordy Barry Gordy. My week has been straight banaynays y’all. I went to Cleveland for work all week. It started out with a bang when my flight from Chicago to Cleveland got cancelled which meant my six hour trip turned into a thirteen hour poopsicle. Follow that with thirteen hour work days each day with no breaks WHY IS EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN 13 HOUR INCREMENTS and I am thirteen hundred percent wrung out.

The positive side of that sob story is that Cleveland was a lovely city. Gorgeous architecture and you know I’m a sucker for that upper Midwest no bullfeces friendliness. I went to this restaurant called Crop, which was in a building that used to be an old timey bank. Vaulted ceilings, marble columns, two story murals. It was breathtaking.

Anyway. I’m tired and my brain is dried up. So I rented a car and drove three hours to the place of my birthingtimes. Flint! Where spring has sprung and my mom is waiting to bust my guts open with delicious eats.

Ahhhhh, weekend.

Serenity Now

Yesterday was another banner day in the life of this young lady right heah! Right off the bat, I slept through my alarm. One nice thing about being a terrible sleeper is that I never sleep through my alarm. Heck, my alarm can just sigh loudly in preparation for going off and I am awake. But not yesterday! Thanks, Tuesday!

I had two kajillion meetings yesterday, all over town. As I was leaving my office for one of them, my car keys? They were not in my purse. Also, they were not in my office. Also, they were not in my hand (a common place where things are sometimes when I lose them). The awesome news is that I had been all over my building and also in adjacent locations downtown all morning, so my keys could have gotten left in about 12 places by then. It was super fun re-tracing my steps on a long quest to try to find them, like Gilgamesh looking for his got-damned emerald. (Anyone ever read Gilgamesh and picture him as Gargamel from the Smurfs the whole time? Just me?) After exhausting every place that I could think of that I could have left them, I ended up at my library’s Lost and Found, and THERE THE KEYS WERE. Probably should have started at the Lost and Found, is what you are thinking right now. YEAH I GOT THAT NOW THANKS.

And thennnnn I went to the parking garage and realized my parking ticket to get out of the parking garage was GONE LIKE THE WIND. Again, thanks Tuesday!

I shall wrap up by telling you that as I ran around, from meeting to meeting all day, I got myself into such a rushed frenzy that as I was washing my hands during a bathroom break, I went to do an underhanded wave below the soap dispenser, and the soap, she would not come out. Wave, wave, wave, come on soap, wave, wave, wave. I did this for, oh, maybe a good ten seconds before realizing that, rather than waving my hand under the soap dispenser (on the left), I was actually waving my hand under the paper towel dispenser (on the right) which not only does not dispense soap, but also isn’t activated by waving one’s hand underneath it. Yet, there I was, like a young Neville Longbottom, trying to make magics happen with my flaccid conjuring hand.

I am a graceful, serene being, floating above the vagaries and petty foibles of the common masses, tis true, tis true.

Anyway, it’s all worth it because I got to come home at 10pm and declare to my dude that, rather than Tuesday, my day had been POOHS-DAY. So, everything happens for a reason.

(Lost in Emotion, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam)

Consumables #151 Watching In the Heart of the Sea

I had to go to a meeting today and when I got there I was already almost late and there was no parking anywhere. So I parked in a questionable spot and went to my meeting and when I came out? A ticket on my windshield asking me for FIFTY GEORGIE WARSHINGTONS. And I couldn’t even be mad because I knew I was being shady.

I watched a movie all about bad decision-making the other night called In the Heart of the Sea. In it, Chris Thorsworth plays a dude who decides to go hunting for whales so as to use their oil. I only know Chris as Thor and when he is Thor he has a very Thor voice. I guess you could say he has a Thor Throat (LOOK MA, ARE YOU PROUD OF THAT ONE?). In this movie, he is not a super hero but he still has that voice, just booming out everywhere. Do you think he booms it out like that just when he is ordering his latte in the morning or whatever?

Anyway, he goes off to sea. The heart of the sea, of course. Although it seemed more like the ass of the sea. There was nothing but storms everywhere they went. And then whenever whales showed up, Thor and his buds had to just stand there on the side of the boat and wait for them to swim by and throw harpoons at them by hand and hope for the best. I do not know how, in this day and age, we are supposed to feel sorry for whale harpooners or root for them in any way, but there you have it. There is one whale who is a total Kujo whale and busts all of Thor’s shit up one side and down the other.

To sum up, Thor got jacked up and I got squeezed for fifty monies, both victims of bad decisions.

December Dispatch

Too many things happening at lightning speeds, ahhhhhhhh! Why is time going so fast? Where can I get one of those Hermione Time-Turner things? Or a flux capacitor? Or sign me up for the “slingshot maneuver” that Spock uses to go back to talk to the whales in the 80s! GIVE IT TO ME. I will gladly gab up some whales if I can slingshot myself some time back. I mean, for realllllll.

Here’s some stuff that has happened. Ready? Ok!

I got a promotion at work. I am a MODERN CAREER WOMAN OF THE 90s! Should I start wearing power suits?

Thanksgiving happened We ate a lot, went to the movies a lot, slept a lot. Like, we thanksgiving’d the SHIT out of it.

We broke our couch! WHO BREAKS A COUCH? Have you ever heard of that? We are pioneers in couch-breaking, I guess. So we ordered a new one and it is coming on Friday. Since we no longer have our old one, we have a set up in our living room where we just have two chairs side by side and we watch our tv as though we are Bartles and James sitting on a porch together.

It is dark here, 24 hours a day. I mean, technically the sun does rise and set, but it is straight up White Nights in reverse in terms of feeling. This version of the Baryshnikov, Hines, and Rossellini movie has non-stop rain and wind, a lot of hot beverages, and loud whines about the weather. No pirouettes.

Speaking of pirouettes, I lifted my moratorium on seeing the local Nutcracker production (WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY MORATORIUMS ARE WEIRD) because I didn’t like it and I can be the Frasier Crane Snoot Snoot of ballet. I lifted the moratorium because they re-did their production from top to bottom. I thought FINALLY THEY WILL FIX ALL THE PROBLEMS I HAD WITH IT, NILES! But they didn’t! It had all the same problems! Doh! People, it was your big chance to fix, whyyyyyy. I know that my city can do better than this. Their other productions are so good!  This must be how the sportsball people feel when they have a great team that cheeses up the playoff series home final bowl match?

That’s what’s up. Oh, hi, mid-December!






Land of Ports

This past Friday I was invited to a conference in Portland to drop some of my profesh knowledges on some unsuspecting librarians. I planned to head out after work on Thursday in my car until I realized that four things would be happening at that time. One, it would be lights out, pitch black, dark (Daylight Savings, TOTAL CRAP). Two, it was raining cats and dogs and hairy toads. Three, it would be rush hour. And four, I would be really tired after my work day. One plus one plus one plus one equals not a great time for me to be getting behind the wheel. So, I took a bus. Which was ok except for that fact that I forgot to pack my earbuds which is a First World Tragedy of the highest order because it meant I had to sit still in a bus for hours with no music no podcasts no nothing except my own thoughts. OH GOD NO NOT MY OWN THOUGHTS.

I arrived there around 8pm and checked into my hotel, ready to eat my own face. At the hotel, the doormen all wore full on Alice in Wonderland style Beefeater outfits. I mean, God Bless them, every one, is all I have to say about that. Also, when I was getting all checked in and stuff, the checker-inner guy listed off the hotel amenities and the list went something like this: “Your room will be on the 10th floor. We provide bathrobes, a french press coffee maker, elevators, and a full mini-bar.” ELEVATORS, people. I am pretty sure he said elevators.

My friend and roomie for the evening @librarianista and I wandered around and ate at a hipster Portland restaurant (there was a taxidermy head of a bear on the wall, wearing a top hat and a monocle, which I believe is the international hipster mascot) which was so delicious it almost killed us both. We had a good night’s sleep, made use of the french press coffee pot, watched Three’s Company, and extra-appreciated those elevators.

My talk/presentation/jabber was the next morning and it was good. I know that standing up in front of people and talking is like, a thing that makes people have more anxiety than the thought of death (is that apocryphal? do people really fear it that bad?), but it is not an activity that makes me nervous. I do not know why. Maybe it is because the first time I was on stage with hundreds of people staring at me was when I was like, four. Or maybe it’s because I was a child who was put through the audition wringer and after you have been scrutinized like that you just don’t feel nervous anymore. Maybe it is because in my current job I have to talk to groups of people every single day. Talking in front of folks just doesn’t put me in a tizzy, and for this I am truly thankful because that would make my job really hard.

Just in case you think I am too good to have tizzies, Ima list things that do make me nervous.

Heights. This is a new one for me. I think it’s a sign of getting old. Gramma is afraid of falling, y’all.

If my dude is late coming home or meeting me. I can go to a very OH MY GOD HE IS LATE AND THEREFORE DEAD place. High stakes punctuality.


Unrequited Rolo

I have a co-worker who has a giant candy bowl in her office and she keeps everyone on her floor sugar soused for most of the day. I, luckily, do not work on her floor, but I do pop in 3-4 times a week to get my Rolo on. Yesterday, I walked in there and there was ONE CANDY LEFT in the bowl. I took it because I had had an epic, unprecedented case of dumbday that morning and I needed that damn Rolo. I mean, I needed it BAD. I walked out the door with it, unwrapped it, and dropped it on the floor and it Rolo’d its sweet self across the room, away from my gaping maw. MY ROLO WAS LIKE NO-LO.

That story is so the metaphor for my week. It is only Wednesday, though. I feel like I can turn things around. NEVER SURRENDER.

My dude has been on a business trip since Monday, and I would like the record to show that him being gone that long is total crap, and that I object on the grounds of absentia flagrante malfeasance, and that this objection is sustained, and also that I hereby rule in favor of his trip being annulled. [gavel knock] Adjourned.

I see that face you are making at me and I hold you in contempt. Damages: one Rolo that has never been contiguous to any flooring surface, to be paid to me in full via candy dish.

Costume: Girl Who Bought a Coat on Time

Eep! It’s November tomorrow! Should I pretend that I am going to do NaBloPoMo and post every day for the month of November? I feel like I shouldn’t pretend. But maybe I will do it! Keep hope alive! Even though the liklihood is nearly zero!

I was on the phone with someone who recently moved away from Seattle to California and he asked me how the weather has been here and when I told him that it has been like a waterlogged geoduck with extra dank drizzle in the hizzle, he had the nerve to laugh with joy and tell me how happy this made him that he was not spending November in Seattle. I couldn’t blame him. I woulda been laughing too if I was dry enough, but it turns out you can get so wet as to not be able to ha ha.

But! You guys! I have accomplished something truly amazing. I have managed, somehow, to have done coat shopping for winter, BEFORE WINTER. Usually I am woefully under-coated each winter, because I forget (denial!) that winter is coming (you’d think I would remember it since the House Stark won’t ever shut up about it) until it is very very late, and then I start to look around when stock is already switching and blah blah no good coat. NOT THIS YEAR. I bought a nice rain coat months ago, and then a few weeks ago I bought a nice winter coat to wear for fancy times. I already had a dressed down winter coat (one of those puffy ones that looks like a sleeping bag with arms), and so here we are, BAM, three coats that cover most coat needs. Is it sad that these are the types of things in my life that make me feel like I really and truly am a goddamn grown up?

Happy Hall-and-Oates-aween, everyone! May you eat lots of candy, cut a face into a gourd of some sort, be terrified in a way that is somehow pleasant to you, and wear an outfit where you pretend to be someone else. I toyed with the idea of going through the entire holiday season saying “what’s that?” every time someone wished me a Happy Halloween or Merry Christmas or what have you, because that is what almost everyone said to me when I tried to wish them a happy Diwali last week, which I have to tell you, harshed my festive feelings, which is sad because I so rarely have holiday-related festive feelings. How you gonna say “what’s that” about Diwali, dudes?  20 per cent of the earth is celebrating Diwali but I am surrounded by “what’s that?”  Literally over a billion people be knowing what Diwali is, so I think maybe it should be something that some of us have heard of, even in passing. Anyone? Anyone? Oh never mind just go put on your dumb costume.

Anyhow. I have resentful holiday issues up the ying yang. This should not be a surprise to anyone.

Do not worry, I shall be hanging out with my nephew and his rugrat friends this evening and that will make it impossible for me to remain surly. I may have to say “what’s that?” in response to one Happy Halloween though. Just once. It will make me feel better. That plus I will be wearing a November-appropriate coat! HOLLA! (ween)

Be safe out there tonight, my lovelies.




Water times three

I have to list the latest, my dears.

1. I keep forgetting to hydrate this week, which is making me sleeeeeeeeeeepy and low energy all day long. I used to have a coworker who would always whisper to himself audibly “water water waterrrrr” before running off to find his water bottle. Like, every single time. Water water waterrrr. Three in a row. I find it weird but yet he was not walking around like a sleepy dope so whatever works, dude.

2. Also, I have been feeling extra grumpy. I think maybe water is important or something? Maybe science could look into it.

3. One of my mom’s best friends’ daughter was in town for a conference so we met up to hang out. We have talked on the phone but never seen each other in person. I feel like this is a phenomenon that doesn’t get talked about– when you become friends with people based on the fact that your parents are friends. Does anyone else do this? Maybe it’s not a thing.

4. Fixy stopped by my work today quite unexpectedly. That was lovely.

5. I recently learned that some people consider any beverage with bubbles in it “spicy.” I would like to register a complaint about this in triplicate.

Ain’t Nothing You Can Do

Yesterday and today have been dumb days. Not bad days. Just a lot of dumb stuff going on in large quantities. Spilling shit all over myself. Forgetting things. Losing things. Making mistakes at work. A storm of stupid is rolling through these parts and I do not seem to have a shelter handy, so I am just putting my face up and rolling all around in it. Picture that scene in Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne stands out in the rain with his arms raised up, getting soaked. Only instead of Andy, it’s me. And instead of rain, it’s dum-dum stuff.

During my lunch break today, I called Fixy and went down my long list of work-related blunders: we may as well call it the Lamentation of the Ding-Dong. And you know what he said to me when I was done? He told me that not one thing I had said was a thing that anybody cares about. Except he managed to say it kinder than that, somehow. And it made me feel so. much. better. Perhaps a message of “nothing you did today matters a whit when you really think about it” may SOUND awful, but really, it’s quite lovely. It’s not that my work isn’t important- I believe it is. But taken as a whole, or at least in big pieces, is what makes it so. Not the odd task here or there that gets screwed up.

Maybe “Nobody cares” isn’t exactly a Coach Taylor locker room talk, but it worked for me.

Let’s have a song.

Ain’t Nothing You Can Do, by Bobby Bland

Sometimes I need to shut up.

Well helloooo, friends! Here’s what’s been going on.

I was unexpectedly called upon to talk about something complicated at work this week in front of a lot of people, which is usually ok by me. This time? I had a total deer in headlights situation. It was as if someone had goosed my caboose unexpectedly right as I started to open my mouth to speak. I think I said something along the lines of “homina what now? Oh yes. Well, let me see here. The hipbone’s connected to the buttbone? Or something leads to another? Things related they are? Am I saying words?” It was specTACular. I kind of wanted to take a bow at the end.

Then, on the same day, I went to a different meeting, and someone was talking about something, and like a half hour later, I said, back to this same group of people, the EXACT THING that that someone had said 30 minutes ago, as if I had learned it somewhere else and was letting them in on my vast knowledges. “I can’t remember if I read this somewhere, or where I heard it, but the way the thus-and-so works is…” They all looked at me and nodded politely. It was only much later that I realized that where I heard the thus-and-so was from the nice lady sitting across the table from me, mere minutes before. I AM SO DELIGHTFUL YOU GUYS.

My brain was obviously on strike due to poor management.

I was also sick one day this week and it was the first day where the weather got up to like 80 degrees. It was really not fair at all. I consoled myself by watching the entire first season of Broad City all over again, and then watching Tori and Dean who seem to be having major problems coupled with a need to televise it. I know we are not supposed to feel sympathy for them, I guess? But I do. I felt bad for watching the show. But I also want to see what happens next. This is the moral dilemma in my life, currently. Do I look at Tori and Dean, or do I look away?

There was a cast reunion of Little House on the Prairie people and three separate friends of mine posted the link to it on my Facebook page IMMEDIATELY. It is like people have an alert set for themselves, linking me directly to the Ingalls.

My friend said to me this week that she loves my blog because it’s so funny (aww, shucks!), but her point in telling me that was to additionally point out how truly amazing that is because I am not really that funny in real life. She managed to say that with love. I had to agree that I am better on paper than I am in person. Such is the breaks.

I had this stroke of genius this morning while I was eating my cereal. If Nick Lachey had another kid and named him or her “papier,” it would be Papier Lachey. Is this funny? I thought it was hilarious. I told Nordic Boy and he did not get it. This made me think about what my friend said about my in-person funniness levels. Dammit. Anyone with me though? Anyone? PAPIER LACHEY.

Oh never mind.