I watched the newest Magnificent Seven. I have exactly and only seven thoughts about it.
1. I have really been having a Denzel renaisaance lately. A Denzelaissance. I had kind of forgotten about how mesmerizing he is. Given that, this should have really just been the Magnificent Uno, because I just wanted him to be on the screen the entire time. YOU GO ‘HEAD AND SMOLDER, D.W.
2. Is Chris Pratt turning into Snide-Remarks Guy in movies? I do not wish this, please and thank you. Chris Pratt without the underlying sweetness is just two steps too many into Brolandia for me.
3. Ethan Hawke was the sensitive one because of course he was. He has that face that looks like a post-sneeze and/or imminent heartbreak at all times. DENZEL GET BACK ON THE SCREEN I MISS YOU.
4. So much shooty shooty, like even for a western. The final fight scene was, according to my internal clock, around thirteen days long.
5. Byung-Hun Lee was good but I have said it before and I will say it again CAN THERE BE ONE ACTION MOVIE THAT HAS AN ASIAN CHARACTER WHO DOES NOT HAVE GINSU KNIFE SKILLS THANKS IN ADVANCE.
6. Martin Sensmeier is a Comanche that actually speaks the language, which is a first. Also, the POC characters don’t all die by the end! THEY ACTUALLY GET TO LIVE. *applause*
7. Peter Skaaaaaaarsgaaaaard (I never know how many a’s so let’s go full phonetic-pirate spelling) is the bad guy and his name is BOGUE. GET IT? BECAUSE HE IS SO BOGUE. And he really is. Whenever he does an evil deed, yell out SO BOGUE, DUDE. It will make your movie watching so much better.
I would not really call this The Maginificent Seven. More like the Pretty-Good-to-Medium Seven.