Swift Modesty


Hayden not only pops back up into the bloggy but then starts saying lovely things about me? I SWEAR SHE IS REAL AND A SEPARATE HUMAN PERSON FROM ME AND I AM NOT JUST PRETENDING TO BE HER AND POSTING BRAGS ABOUT MYSELF HONEST. I guess you will just have to take my word for it. I feel your skepticism.

Ok, about that Kardashian thing that Hayden said and how I stopped her from going on about it at our presentation. The thing is, that was not me being embarrassed. I am not the person who gets embarrassed about my Kardashian knowledge: I am the person that brings up Kardashians at parties and starts fights with people about them. Embarrassment is not part of my Kardashian lexicon. So now I must reveal to you that what actually happened that day was me being FALSE MODEST. So like, let’s pretend that Hayden had said up there: “this is the thing that most people don’t know about my co-presenter. She has a PhD in saving baby bunnies. She has singlehandedly invented a tiny defibrillator that helps these little sweeties live and…” You know what a genius does, in that situation? They pretend to be embarrassed and say “oh my goodness! I can’t believe you are bringing up this miracle invention of mine. Oh, I am so flustered, do stop, you generous flatterer!” We all know this. We learned it, if nothing else, from T-Swizz (sorry to have to bring her into this but I would very much like her to be included in this narrative):


(the face says: y’all are too kind! the brain says: I FUCKING INVENTED THE BUNNY DEFRIBBER)

It just so happens that, in my case, I didn’t invent anything, but I DO love to break down Kardashian lore using an intersectional feminist lens that includes a nuanced reading of performative gender roles as well as a critique of capitalism. I will talk about this at the slightest invitation, no shame. I don’t do a lot of things well but I mos def got this one. But when someone points out your genius, you say: aw shucks, so embarrassed! Please, stop! So mortifying! This is what I did. Now you know. That audience was just lucky I didn’t add “AND ALSO SISTER WIVES ON TLC TOO.”

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