Consumables #155: Watching Jason Bourne

Peak summer feelins, y’all! It has been beautemous in these parts. We have finally started to feel the burn (if you will pardon the expression, don’t get hot under the collar, now) season-wise. I had a supes fantasmic week off early this month when my niece came to visit me from the Eastern Seaboard (how come nobody around here talks about the Western Seaboard? What is a seaboard, anyway? Please file this under: I Should Look It Up But It Ain’t Likely To Happen) and we ran around my city in the way that you do when people come to visit from out of town. It was really fun and a wonderful reminder that my fam is kind of the best. Also summery: maxin’and chillaxin’ out on the deck, which has been pretty great because if you recall, I made our noisy garbage neighbor boys move out just by THINKING THEM OUT OF HERE. So now we can barbecue to our hearts’ content without bordering the Land of Dudentina. Ahhhhhhhh, refreshing.

As part of summer lovin’, had us a blast, we have been taking in lots of summer blockbuster style movies. Latest one: Jason Bourne. Here’s what I will tell you about Jason Bourne movies. The first ones are the best ones and the formula is getting a little old now, but a thing I enjoy about them is the use of PURPOSEFUL WALKING CHASES. Jason Bourne does so much power walking and manages to make it suspenseful! Bourne movies bring the same cadence that I use at work when I have to walk over to get my latest printout from the printer and I am on deadline. Only instead of printouts, Bourne walks into punching someone in the face with his bare knuckles until they die, but almost same diff. Not only this, but oftentimes his purposeful walking involves technology. He is assessing the best route via a GPS gadget, or giving someone directions in a quiet, intense voice using an earpiece. Just picture yourself walking around with google maps and add in a French rooftop assassin and you get the gist. On the downside, there are a few things about this latest Bourne movie that are less than ideal, say for instance if you are looking for “story” or “motivation” or “things making sense.” Put those in the Con column. But speedwalking with intense determination? Full marks.

Also? The main lady character (there are only a couple of ladies in these movies at a time, you understand) spends the entire movie with her hair clipped up in a big black plastic 80s hair clip. Sorry to have to reduce the lady character to her hair accessory and not her performance but IT WAS A 80s HAIR CLIP. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. I do not know who made this decision– the hair designer of the movie, the director, who– but I was so here for it.

These are my thoughts on Jason Bourne. Speed-walking and a hair clip. That’s kind of all you need to know.

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One comment

  1. You always make me laugh! I’m 100% with you on Jason Bourne! I’ll also add that he can drive the shit out of the shittiest car in any chase, and then he can beat the hell out of someone with like a phone book.

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