Consumables #154 Game of Barca Loungers

First of all, the weather people in my city are fucking fibbers right now, ALL OF THEM. (Whoa, I am coming in hot, guys, but it’s been a frustrating week on a few levels and I am going to project it onto weatherpeople of the world, as is only right). I get up and look at the dumdum weather report and get dressed and go outside and my knickers grow icicles on them throughout the day and I am SICK OF IT. It’s not that it’s chilly that bothers me. It’s the LIES. SO MANY METEOROLOGY LIES.

Can we talk about Game of Thrones for a second? I feel like there are two types of viewers of this show. One group of people who love it and touch it and feel it and hug it. Another group of people are like 50% in and 50% just like why am I even watching this. (Don’t you love it when someone sets up their own opinion like it’s actually a whole group of people rather than just saying that it’s them? That’s what I just did. I am the people who is only 50% in and I do not know of any others. It’s not people. It’s just meople.)

Here are the things I do not understand about Game of Thrones. I shall try to do this with no spoilers because people go apeshit about spoilers.

Timelines. What in the what is going on with the Game of Thrones calendar? Like, people are traveling, most often by foot or if they are lucky by horse or boat, across kingdoms CONSTANTLY and yet no time seems to really have gone by. Shouldn’t that stuff take months? When juxtaposed with other scenes, things happen too fast. People are just popping over from one kingdom to the next like they are all in the same cul de sac.

When there are big battle scenes, how are hordes of battalions sneaking up on each other? Like, there will be a battle going on in an open meadow (who mows the meadow in prep for big battles?) and right at a crucial moment another army of people will SWOOP IN and surprise everyone. Like, how is no one in the original battle noticing that from a mile away? Also, how does an army pull off a surprise like that at just the right moment? Often the surprise army is supposedly coming from another kingdom (see also: TIMELINE PROBS) but yet they are busting in on just the right day and time? I once threw a surprise party for a friend with 20 people and I could barely wrangle that up on time.

When there is a crowd scene or a battle scene or any large group scene, people are always speechifying to the crowd. Ain’t no lavalier mics in Westeros  or what have you so nobody can hear that stuff! PEOPLE OF WINTERFELL! I KNOW YOU CANNOT HEAR ME BUT I SHALL GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS ANYHOO! [cheering]

Riding dragons, Neverending-Story style. Are the spikey parts on dragon backs soft? They look not soft. Seems like you would want to rock a side-saddle, is all I am saying. OR MAYBE YOU DON’T, AM I RIGHT LADIES

I feel extra sorry for the characters that just get dragged on for five minutes just as a murder-plot device. Like poor Rickon. Nobody watching you gives a shit, Rickon. (I guess that was a mild spoiler, but if you haven’t seen this episode yet, trust me, you won’t care about Rickon). I guess this is not really a “thing I don’t understand” but still. Rickon was such a redshirt and I feel bad for redshirts.

A lot of times, there will be a male character who doesn’t want to do something. A lady character will try to convince him otherwise. He is like “no, thanks.” And then the lady will literally open her dress up and be like “LOOKY MY HYPNOTIZING BOOBIES” and the guy will go “WHATEVER YOU SAY, BOOB MAIDEN” and there you go, argument won. Keeping in mind this is also happening in a world where dudes can basically do whichever lady they please with no consequence and often do not give a shit about consent even, so boobs seem to be a dime a dozen. IDK, people. IDK.

There are hardly any people of color in Game of Thrones and when they are there, they are such tired stereotypes I cannot EVEN TAKE IT. You guys there are even middle-eastern looking people that are called SAND SNAKES. LIKE, EXSQUEEZE ME? There is a second group of people that are tribal savages that basically wrestle and hump each other in the streets all day long. There is a third group of people that are slaves. I MEAN, LET’S DO THE MATH ON THIS. So much of the time I am just having to breathe deeply and lean on the baby Jebus to get through that sort of thing so I won’t get into all that mess here except to point out one small thing that bugs me: all GoT people of color have a very strong need to wear lots of eye makeup. No one else is wearing eye make up but if a brown dude or lady shows up, SMOKEY EYE ALERT. As a lifelong recipient of weird racialized things getting put on me and thinking about that a lot, I have never once thought about smokey eye as a signifier of brownness. I FIND IT SO WEIRD. Why, Game of Thrones, why.

So many questions.

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