X Men, lots of X Men

I went to see the latest X Men movie this weekend and here are my thoughts about it- don’t worry, no spoilers.

They put Oscar Isaac’s lovely mug in a sort of turtle-like face paint and dressed him in a couture tin can. He is ageless and hanging out in ancient Egypt being evil. At one point he walks out into the streets with only a loose Jackie O scarf around his head and no one seems to notice that he is BLUE LIKE GROVER in broad daylight. He absorbs other mutants’ power through some sort of ancient motherboard technology. He meets up and recruits Storm. I feel like these movies never give Storm enough to do. She is obvs awesome and yet she’s always sort of background.

Rose Byrne was running around in a burka for disguise-purposes. Don’t do that, Rose. Just don’t do that.

We find Magneto being a family man, which doesn’t last long. He’s gonna put on that metal skull hat shortly and sling some major hardware, don’t you worry. I find Michael Fassbender distracting, I am not gonna lie. Like, he’s too hot. I should be paying attention to how he is using metal weapon art to express his anger management issues but when he’s on screen all I can think is OH HAI YES JUST WALK AROUND SOME MORE WHY DON’T YOU.

There is also Professor X as played by James McAvoy who can also go to a sultry place for me (hello, Atonement) but I feel like he can hide it better because of acting so it wasn’t the same issue. Plus they make him say things like “spit spot” which is a boner killer, if you will pardon me saying so.

Raven is the shape-shifting blue scaley mutant played by Jennifer Lawrence. Here is the thing about Raven that I don’t understand. She’s got this conflict about whether she should be out and proud with her blue-scaled, red mullet self, or whether she should keep it on the DL and walk around looking like a normal, with blond Jessie Spano hair. Obviously we want to live in a world where it’s ok to let your blue skin shine. However. How come the only blue-scaled option is nude? Like, why can’t her blue skinned self put some PANTS ON OR SOMETHING. And if part of her fight is for nude rights, like at least say it. IDK.

Then there’s Angel who is angry and has wings, Nightcrawler who I love because he’s such a gee dee scaredy cat which seems like the most reasonable thing to be, considering. Also Cyclops who gets magical sunglasses that actually look like sunglasses (I always think about poor Georgi LaForge in Star Trek who had to wear that banana clip on his face), and Jean Grey who is SANSA MOTHERJUMPIN STARK. My brain almost couldn’t take that in. Also in the house is Hank McCoy whose mutant power is that he is a blue lion guy? I never understood that one. Olivia Munn also gets in there as one of Oscar Tin Can Isaac’s henchmen. How about we have an Asian or Asian American person in one of these movies who didn’t have any martial arts anything. No effing samurai-style light sabers, no flying kicks, nothing. Just have them fighting like other people. Maybe next time? Hope springs eternal.

What I am saying is that THERE ARE A LOT OF X PEOPLE. I didn’t even get through everyone. X-THRONG MORE LIKE. It was X-breadth but no X-depth.

They run around, blow things up, punch each other in the face, murder kind of a lot of bystanders, and all like that. You know, the yooj. I give it a solid ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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