While I was wallowing in my TRIPS BE SO HARRRRRRD whining, I was remiss in telling you that it was Ms. Hayden’s birfday a little bit ago and how hard she is rocking the birthdayness. Her true love, Justin Trudeau, was all hey girl, come on over and spoon my border for your birthday so she up and went to Canada and made everyone jealous with her Instagram, eating fancy food and running around looking all fresh faced and happy.

She also threw a karaoke party for her non-Trudeau-related fun times. I have decided that karaoke may be the best thing on planet earth. Well, no wait. Wedding reception dancing is the best thing on planet earth. Karaoke is second. I have many thoughts, feelings, and opinions about karaoke. Here are some.

  1. Let’s just get this out of the way right up front. KARAOKE ISN’T FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN SING WELL. I mean, it’s fine if you sing well, but it’s so beside the point. The true karaoke crowd, we are warblers. It’s about CONVICTION, people. To quote Debbie Boone/Urkel: FEELINGS, WHOA WHOA WHOA, FEELINGS.
  2. On the other hand, if you can sing well, you can be That Person. The one that goes up there and knocks people’s shit right out of their guts. This is a rare thing, as I have noticed that for reals singers often have disdain for karaoke. This makes me nuts because if I could really and truly sing I would be the worst mic hog of all times.
  3. You can come right back down that Stairway to Heaven, or better yet, take the elevator. Don’t choose a long song, people! 3-4 minutes TOPS. Sometimes there are songs that you don’t realize are too long, it is true, so look it up on your phone before you go up. Like, one time, I did a rendition of Papa Don’t Preach, and did you know that that song ends with repeating the chrous for nine hours? I did not know that. PAPA HEARS YOU, AND WE ALL GET IT THAT YOU ARE KEEPING THE DANG BABY.
  4. Even if you have no interest in singing, karaoke is SO FUN TO WATCH. I personally have never been in a karaoke establishment where there was any pressure put on anyone whatsoever to sing, so if you are a person who is terrified of some weird singing bully to force you to Neil Diamond, let me reassure you.
  5. I knew someone once who was really, actually, truly competitive about karaoke. DO NOT BE THAT PERSON.

Karaoke teaches us a very beautiful lesson about life. It does not matter if you can hit the notes. JUST BELT IT.

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