Well, I have really been LIVING MY BEST LIFE lately, my friends. I mean, get your envy chaps on because you are going to be hella jella after reading this latest update.
First of all! One sentence ago, I invented “envy chaps.” Sign me up for Shark Tank.
Second of all! I was leaving the second floor of an office building and, just as jaunty as you please, fell down an entire flight of stairs. Like, I even threw in a ROLL as I made my way down. I ended up on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, where a man ran toward me saying “Oh my god, are you ok?” and I was, except I fucked up something in my shoulder pretty good. It’s been hurting ever since.
Third of all! While brushing my teeth and listening to a podcast, I knocked my phone off of the sink edge. The phone hit the side of the toilet tank, the phone case flew off and plunked right into the toilet.
Fourth of all! I was in a classy eatery, and unbeknownst to me a birdie had flown into the restaurant. Though at first it was unbeknownst to me, it soon became very beknownst to me, via this little effing chirp chirp dropping a poopoo bomb directly onto the top of my skull right in the middle of brunch.
Fifth of all! Someone got a hold of my credit card digits and charged a bunch of monies at a hair salon in Des Moines. I don’t know what all you’d drop that many duckets on at a hair cutting joint, but someone decided to, using my credit.
Life plus me equals NAILING IT