This weekend was the Superbowl or something, I don’t know if you heard about it, but some people in my town were maybe into it. The last Superbowl I watched in its entirety was probably when I was in elementary school and it was starring Joe Montana (yes, I said “starring” because this is how my brain works). This year, just a few hours before the game was supposed to start I heard that Missy Elliott was going to be there and I was like OH PAPA SIGN ME UP so I fired up the half time show and ended up watching the last half of the game. I had fun watching it, and I feel like, if I could find people who watchy the sportsball in the same way I want to, I could get into it. Here, I give you my sporty spice pros and cons, special Super Bowl Edition. Maybe I’ll find my sport watching clan if you can stand these things about me.
1. Pro: Competition! Teamwork! Physical feats! Grit! I was a dancer, I am down with every last one of these things.
2. Pro: Shiny knicker-like pants. I vote yes.
3. Pro: Strategery! I like football because of the design of it all, the choices to be made, the way the pieces fit together.
4. Con: Fan uniforms. I do not wish to wear team colors, or brandish team paraphernalia in any direction. This is a dealbreaker, so no sports dress up or it is dunzo, kaput, bye Felicia.
5. Con: Sports-team-based jingoism, pbbbbbbt. A player on an opposing team- we want to punch him in the face! We want him to contract scabies in the athletic supporter region! We are the best and you are the worst! This makes me tired. Why do we hate them again? You’re going to have to keep reminding me.
6. Con: unsportsmanlikeishness. Did we learn nothing in peewee football as children? If your team loses, being belligerent and/or pouty should not be a thing for grown ass people. Sad I get. Asshole behavior though? Come on, guys. Get it together.
7. Con (more for you than for me): I am one of those people who can’t stop thinking about sports corporatism and player concussions and domestic violence enabling and performative masculinity and all those pesky type things, so if you get mad about people bringing that up, then you need to tell me to talk to the hand.
So, 3 pros and 4 cons. Let’s tip the scales: if you invite Missy to play a medley every game, I’m good.