Consumables #114 Watching: Snowpiercer

I’m in Michigan for a few days and it is butt ass cold, fellas. I’d forgotten that feeling of iciness in one’s nostrils (as a child we called this “snot-sickles,”) and the literal smell of donuts in the air, which can be found early mornings outside the grocery stores. I love the idea that I grew up bathed in donut ether.

Let’s talk about Snowpiercer, a totally appropes movie for snot-sickle weather. The earth has turned into a frozen planet-sickle, and the only people who have survived live on a crazy train (cue Ozzy) that circles the earth once per year. The poor oppressed people live in the back and the cars get nicer and nicer as you go forward where the fancy people live at the front of the train because symbolism! Chris Evans (do we think he’s hot or do we think he looks like an icky country club boy named Biffy who sweeps the leg?) lives in the back of the train and stages a revolution. Caboose is on the loose! Oh, and Tilda Swinton is working some gigantic prosthetic teeth in a sort of Delores Umbridge train-marm character.

I wanted to love this, especially for the Swinton-factor, but I had a hard time not questioning the train set up (how many people are on this train? How many bathrooms are there? What if any outer parts of the train need repairs?) which is totally beside the point and I kind of hate it when other people do this about imaginative stories that aren’t completely consistent so I don’t know what was wrong with me. More than that, there was too much fighty fighty and people who you think are dead somehow surviving so that they can pop back out for more fighty fighty. If you get stabbed in the guttocks, stay dead. It just seems cheap otherwise.

Also, I won’t spoil it but I didn’t understand the very last minute. This could be my own dumbness.

So. Train. Ice age. Class war. Fighty. If you like these things, all abooooooard! (I know. I’ll go put myself in Time Out now).

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