Consumables #113 Watching: Noah

These are my Noah-related thoughts. Brace yourself for the heathen perspective.

Hermione! I will watch this solely because I love Hermione.

Uh-oh. Turns out this character is really, really, really not Hermione. Dang.

This is probably sacrilegious or something but Noah seems absolutely nutella on a cracker and I do not buy any of his arguments on things. Like, he needs to attend debate club in school to make himself more able to make a case that I will buy.

There were angels dressed like rock creatures from Star Trek in the Bible? No one told me this! I feel like this is a selling point that needs more marketing.

I do not feel like that ark that they showed was seaworthy. It looked like a large scale thing that the Professor from Gilligan’s Island would make.

There were three stages in Noah’s life that he demarcated through his hair and manscaping choices. Phase one: young Noah, who had Jesus hair and a hipster beard. He is earthy and kind, which is illustrated by these hair choices. Phase two: middle aged Noah, who is militant and yells a lot and everyone is sort of scared of him. This is demonstrated by his shaved head and bushy beard that makes him look sort of like a motorcycle gang person from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. Phase three: Noah has accomplished his task but has alienated his family and has sad eyes and maybe even has turned into a bit of a Boozy Suzy to deal with it all. This Noah has a sort of feathered hair-do that has turned gray and a kind of “Islands in the Stream” vibe.

You guys, that ark had to stink like a shit shack, right? I think it would have been a better movie if, just once, Noah would have walked in and said: HOO MAN, CAN I GET SOME FEBREZE UP IN HERE?

I should probably stop. Emma Watson though! Hey girl!

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