Whenever something happens in the news related to the tv show Little House on the Prairie, people send me links to it. It’s like I have a Little House alert team, who get a mere whiff of Nellie Oleson and immediately funnel it to the one person they know who would care. It is weird that this is the thing that makes people think of me, but if I am going to be the lady who says things like “Half Pint wore lemon verbena, you know” when talking, which I did just the other day, I can’t be mad at it.
This is why, a few months ago, my email filled up (well, I got maybe four emails) with messages from friends telling me that Melissa Gilbert had released a cookbook of prairie food, or something. I put that shit on hold at the library immediamente.
I did not spend one single solitary minute looking at any of the recipes, because, well, I do not look to Melissa Gilbert for cooking ideas (sorry Lissa! Love you girl!) and if they were really going to make a cookbook based off of that show, I can tell you all she needed to do: have a recipe for baked beans (they ate that anytime they were camping somewhere), a recipe for watery looking black coffee (which Pa always drank right before bed, odd), a sort of Dinty Moore style stew (90% of the time Ingalls be chomping stew), fried steak and fried chicken (served at Caroline’s, the restaurant owned by the Oleson’s), cinnamon chicken (what Nellie forced Laura to make for her date with Almanzo in the episode where Nellie and Laura throw down WWE style), and popcorn (what Pa and Ma always ate in bed together oh so chastely). There, cookbook done.
I did, however, read all of the little interstitial stuff in between the recipes. These parts were pretty flimsy for the average reader, but for me and my Little House PhD candidacy, I got some good stuff out of it. Half Pint rates her top ten most favorite episodes, waxes poetic about her love for Pa and her real-life bff Nellie, and, most importantly, answers the age-old question regarding why, when the blind school burns down, did Mrs. Garvey use a baby to bust through a window. If you do not know Little House, you will not know the first thing about how to even understand that question. If you do know Little House, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT FACT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO KNOW. You Little House people know just what I am talking about.
To my band of Little House alerters: I await your next message.