Things have been quiet in my world for the last little bit, and I already sort of feel like the blog has turned into Feelings Check-In Because My Dad Died and Also My Dad Died, and Hey, One More Time in Case You Missed It, My Dad Died. I have been trying to write about some things that have given me a lot of solace (yes, knocking my kitchen wall down has been therapeutic), so that’s what you’ve been getting. But just in case anyone is reading this that is having some hard times themselves (and really, that seems sort of ambitious to say that if they are, then they would give a shit about what I have to say about it, but oh well), I don’t want the only thing that I have to say about this whole phase of my life to be this uplifting stuff, because that’s not the whole picture. I have lots to be grateful for, and my tendency is to always focus on that; it’s a habit I have that has served me pretty well in life so far. But that focus is just that: a focus within a bigger picture that has much shittier parts to it. The hardest thing (even harder than my Dad passing away, in some ways) has been the sense of isolation I have felt. As much as I have a few people who have held me up, I have had many more people who I thought were close to me disappear, disengage, not show up at all. There have been people that I would see on a regular basis before this happened who I haven’t seen at all since they heard my Dad is gone. There have been people who I have asked to hang out with me, take a walk, come over for tea, who have said they are too busy and never called me back. It is shocking. This makes me feel like I need to just shut up about it already, which, when I said that to Nordic Boy, he looked at me in astonishment and said “First of all, it happened like five minutes ago, in the grand scheme of things. And second of all, you have barely talked about it at all to 99% of the people you know, so how could you feel like it’s time to shut up?” I keep reminding myself of this, but it’s hard. I pretty much feel like I should probably shut up about it. Maybe people will start calling me back if I do that? I don’t know. I have to remind myself of the small group of people who have been here, have called, have shown up. Some of them are people I would not have expected, who have surprised me with how much they care. Some people are so good at being kind. That has truly saved the day, for me.
So, the blogging is suffering a bit, but that’s just because I am having a profoundly lonely time, topped off by a case of “I-need-to-shut-up-or-people-will-freak-out-or-leave-itis.” Despite that, I do have my little band of 3 or 4 people that are truly giving me their all right now, and that’s more than a lot of people have.
Ok? Ok. So let’s begin OPERATION STOP BEING SO EFFING DEPRESSING. I will save that shit for my closest peeps and try not to worry about the rest. Focus on the love is really all there is to do, right? In any situation. What else is there?
For those of you reading this, most of you don’t know me in real life. Do me a solid and think about who you do know in your real life. Anyone you can think of that is sad? Reach out to them. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to say. Just do it. Tell them your blog pal Librarian Girl said to. Ok maybe don’t say that, because that’s weird. And if you’re the sad one that comes to mind when thinking about sad people you know, consider this post me reaching out to you. Hear me when I say this: your sadness matters to me.
Ok, Real Talk with Librarian Girl is now over. I’ll be back soon to talk about how all the Dance Academy kids showed up on NBC’s “Camp” with fake American accents and shit like that.
Closing comments for the first time ever, because I ain’t saying none of this to start no pity party.