Bill Bixby, Meet Lou Ferrigno/Consumables #74

Yo! I was just sitting here thinking, hey, remember that blogging thing I used to do? Whatever happened with that? Are we like, on a once a month sort of plan now or what? Answers. What I am looking for here, Self, are answers.

Here’s what’s been going on with me lately, which has contributed to the lack of blog attention. You guys, I got super mad this month. Like full on, frothy, red-eyeball mad. This may not seem like an event that would really merit comment, because anger is a normal human emotion, yes. And sure, I get mad on the regular because I am not some sort of Vulcan and never will decide to convert to being one just based on the haircut alone. (Vulcanism is probably not a conversionable thing, although isn’t that what Spock’s mom did? And you see how willing I am to take a conversation and steer it to a place where all of a sudden we are talking about Spock’s MOM? Because that is the joy of knowing me, people). Anyhoodle. The level of mad I usually get is in the irritable realm of mad. Grumpy also makes more than a cameo appearance. Annoyed, sure. I would also cop to a regular dose of huffy. But this time, I got filled with a fiery wrath of the type that I haven’t felt in a very long time. A person who I haven’t talked to since like, 2010 or something, popped up just to write me a few paragraphs of smack-in-the-face via email. And jeez-oh Petey Wheat, it made me dingbusted pee oh’d.  I mean, it was like, time to kick off the heels, take off my earrings, pull off my weave and flip a table Real Housewife style. (Just to be clear, I didn’t actually do the heels/earrings/weave/table move. I just really, truly could have. And also, here’s a business idea! How about we invent a weave that easily yanks off when you want to get into a melee? An anger-release weave. We could call it a PEEVE WEAVE. Trademark!). And being that mad? It’s effing exhausting. Angry people of the world: wow. I am for shizzle way too lazy for this shit. So basically the thing I have been doing is withdrawing from society this month. Sorry, friends who have invited me to things. You do not wish me to come to your fun timey events because I am very busy seething within the privacy of my own home.

Not to worry, I am feeling much better than I was, and shall continue to do so. Being pissy is just too hard to maintain. And in the meantime, I have the pop cultures to help me de-froth.

The Hobbit
As a librarian, one thing that is super helpful is to be able to differentiate between things that are good, things that are good for me, and things that are good for particular people. Sometimes these three things can overlap, but often they do not. This movie, I think, was a thing that was good for particular people. Hobbit people. Well, not actual Hobbit people, I mean people who are fans of Hobbit people. (I can just hear Barbra singing it now: “Peoplllllle…People who need Hobbit peopllle…are the luckiest people…). The Lord of the Rings trilogy of movies are movies that are awesome for fans of the books as well as awesome/accessible for everyone else. The Hobbit? Not as much. But if you love the book and want to see every last sentence of it brought to life, this is it. Go nuts, Hobbit lovers! And just, can I say I love Martin Freeman? Because I do.

Pitch Perfect
Super fun movie. Are sing-off battles really a thing? I kind of don’t think so but I really want it to be a thing. Like a dance battle just works logistically because you can overlap the movement with your opponent but how would you really do a sing off  like that? Yes, I have thought out the engineering of dance battles versus singing battles.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
It’s true what everyone is saying. That little kid is an eyeball magnet. I thought the movie was gorgeous.

Adjustment Bureau
Was this movie panned? I feel like it was, and ok so it wasn’t the best movie of the year but I didn’t think it a bad movie at all. Ok, so maybe I fell asleep in the middle of it a little bit (and I never fall asleep during movies) which was possibly a bad sign but also it might have been that I was just super tired. Ringing endorsement, party of one!

The Sessions
Have I seen a performance by John Hawkes that I didn’t love? NO I HAVE NOT SIR. In summation, he’s good.

I really wish I had seen this movie without knowing so much about it beforehand. I saw it late so I felt like I knew the plot, and the critiques, and the accolades way too well. As a movie, I really liked it. I also thought it had a monolithic islamophobic slant to it, which is to be expected since that seems to be the norm but it disappointed me nonetheless.

North By Northwest
I blame this movie for making me think that trains are sexy, because you know what? They ain’t. Have you been on a train before? You aren’t going to meet Cary Grant on there and take him back to your private seat of your private car to do private things. Not gon happen. Anyway. It should be no surprise to you that hoo-doggy I love this movie.

Under the Tuscan Sun
Does anyone else do “depressed and/or repressed lady who needs to find herself” like Diane Lane? She’s done like 5 movies like that, and she’s got it down. This is a weird thing to say but I think that Diane Lane has a particular talent for acting with herself. Like, do you remember that scene in “Unfaithful” where she is sitting on the subway or train or whatever and she has just cheated on her husband and she just sits there and cries, and laughs, and freaks out for a few minutes by herself? Hard to pull off, but she does it. There are a few scenes in this one where she acts alone and it doesn’t seem hokey or unnatural.

Life of Pi
So, so pretty. Do your eyeballs a favor and see this one. The story was a little too God-dy for me, and I sort of get annoyed with Indians having to be freaking spirit guides for white people all the time- I loved the bulk of the movie but the 5% at the front and the 5% at the end drove me frigging crazy. Just so you know, yes, I am an Indian but no, I will not get you closer to God with my spiritual tales told in a soothing voice and then let you take my stories as your own to write a book all while cooking you fragrant Indian cuisine. I know we’re supposed to exist to help you get spiritual but actually, some of us have got other stuff to do.


Next week will be better, I am sure.  Incredible Hulk over and out.

One comment

  1. the "no diggity" part of Pitch Perfect was my favorite. definitely a movie i can watch over and over. also? apparently the last shot in N by NW when the train is going through a tunnel? that was a euphemism. yes, can you believe old-school filmmakers were that dirty? geez. i didn't realize it until i read that online. i agree, trains are not sexy.

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