Ding dong, who’s there?

I have to start off by saying that the other night I had a dream about my friend The Soggy Librarian, and the dream was that we were hanging out, as we do, totally normal, except she was talking in a very exaggerated Bill Cosby voice the whole time. I mean, her voice was still her voice, but it was like she was having an involuntary need to talk Cosby talk. It was all “It’s such a nice day-eeee, and I’m so glad we’re hanging owwwwt, and pudding pops and RUDY! And picture pages!” (chicken dance arms).

I know it’s boring to tell other people your dreams, but I can’t keep that one to myself.

So I just got back from Vancouver and it was so lovely. My friend and I just decided to up and go, just because it’s good, if you can, to do something fun just for no other reason than because it’s fun. Just to be kind to oneself.

Oh, and then we saw a bunch of wrinkley naked guys on accident so hey! Kindness is not always rewarded.

How did a sweet weekend trip take a turn into accidental nakedtown? I’ll tell you.

We were in the University of BC area to take a look around there, and as we were walking around, we noticed from our map that we were pretty close to the beach. We thought, yes please, let’s find a trail that gets us to some sandy shores, stat. We walked around and found a trailhead that seemed pointed in the right direction. The sign at the top of the trailhead included this: “Clothing optional beach ahead.” This is not something I see every day, but I wasn’t too worried about it because I was thinking we would hike down to the beach, and maybe there would be a few ladies sunbathing with their tops off or perhaps some skinny dipping in the water. I am not a person who does these things, but I am not opposed to others doing them and I am not going to care about seeing boobs and butts and other junk out. I have seen way too many episodes of Game of Boobs/Thrones to be phased by that.

So we started down the trail, which was very foresty, and steep. There was also a stream that ran alongside the trail, which was quite pleasant and picturesque. We walked down and down, the only thought preoccupying my mind was what a pain in the arse it was going to be coming back up that mammer jammer. Then, I looked up and saw, well…how can I describe it?

There was a man, probably 60 years old or so, about 20 yards ahead down the trail. He had taken his t-shirt partially off so that the arms were empty and the only thing that was attaching him to his shirt was that his head was still coming through the neckhole. So it was like his t-shirt was almost a cape. Oh, and p.s., the rest of him was bare ass nude. And also, he wasn’t on the trail anymore. Rather, he was in the stream next to the trail, jumping around the water like a fricking water nymph. I was not close enough to hear him, but if I had been I would not have been surprised to hear “wheeeee!” or the like. He was behaving in a very spritely manner.

Am I wrong to have been surprised by this? What is the difference between this and skinny dipping in the ocean? Or sunbathing? Whether justified or not, this stopped my friend and me in our tracks.

“Oh!” we both said, watching the cavorting pixie man. He did not see us.

Here’s the thing. The beach was labelled as potential nekkid-town, true. But in my mind, we were not yet on the beach. We were still in regular non-naked territory, as it was back at the parking lot, and the rest of the park behind us. We were still on a forest trail. Not the beach. So seeing this person, doing this frolic in the stream next to the trail, felt weird. Apparently my friend felt the same way. We stood there, and debated whether we should go forward, which would mean passing this man. He probably wouldn’t have cared, but somehow we did.

We turned around.

Now, we had to hike back up to the top of the trail, and that sucker was steep. SO STEEP. And it was hot, and we were tired, and once we got going, we were winded, and ok fine, we also had a case of the giggles about the man we had just seen. All of this made the walk back up extra hard. But we did it, and we made it to about 10 yards from the top, when:

Birthday suit #2!

At the very top of the trail was another man, also in his 60s, wearing hiking boots and not a stitch more. He had not noticed us yet, and he was marching down the trail with a stride that was parade-worthy. Arms were swinging, steps were wide, and oh lordy, dingdong was flopping in a most noticeable way.

Which way to go? Nothing to do but continue. He did eventually see us, and he sort of hesitated too. The trail was narrow, and so when we passed each other, we were shoulder to shoulder. Have you ever been inches away from a stranger who was showing full peen? I will tell you this: it is not comfortable.

This brings me back to where the appropriate buck naked boundary was. Because he was at the top of the trail when we spotted him, and he was total junk out at that point. Which means, he must have gotten naked before starting the trail. Like, at the parking area, maybe? And the parking area is just next to a road. So, he must have unfettered himself up there, to be full monty at the top of the trail.

I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference. It was just surprising, that’s all.

Other stuff happened in Vancouver too, but somehow double stranger peter seemed like the best story to tell.


  1. First of all. naked hiking is totally a thing. I used to be a big backpacker when I lived in an appropriate backpacking region and I have naked backpacked on more than one occasion. It's awesome. Second, amnI wish someone would come bust me out of my funk! You are truly lucky!

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