Hold onto yourself: I am about to talk about the Bachelorette again. I would promise you I’ll stop after this, but you all know that my words on quitting are now meaningless so I shall not insult you.
I heard these two ladies talking about the Bachelorette on the bus the other day, and immediately leaned in to listen because no one in my life will talk with me about the Bachelorette because I only hang out with non-ridiculous people, unlike myself. So I am starved for someone who will agree with me that Constantine and Ben, when standing alone or with others, look normalish but when standing next to each other make me think of nothing but a giant Merry and Pippin from Hobbiton. Anyone? Anyone care? No one?
Hence, my new best friends on the bus.
The armchair quarterbacks on the bus (armchair quarterback? is that a thing? I always think I am making things up when I try to throw around sports lingo) were talking about how if the average lady or dude were set up to go on the Bachelorette, it would be really hard to NOT think that you were falling in love (or, in the parlance of the show “falling for someone” because the L word cannot be spoken before the overnight dates because that would be so trashy, OBVS) when put in the midst of such EXTREME LOVE GESTURES.
Let’s just take a moment to take in the awesomeness of them coining the phrase “extreme love gestures,” for Pete’s sake.
They went on to talk about what an extreme love gesture is (and despite the term it is not dirty), and it made me realize that this concept alone is a big reason why I watch the show. Because I don’t understand the concept of extreme love gestures, and I am endlessly fascinated with it.
Perhaps I do not understand it because I have never been under its influence. No one has ever picked me up for a date in a helicopter, flown me over the Grand Canyon, and landed me on a pedestal in the middle of the Bellagio fountain in Vegas. But apparently, if they did? I would HAVE TO fall in love with them. It would render me powerless! According to the ladies on the bus.
Extreme Love Gestures, Bachelorette style
aka How You Know You Are Feeling Love: a list
Riding an elephant or camel, maybe even a horse
Repelling off a building or mountain
Having dinner at a table in the middle of a pond, fountain, or lake
Riding in a seaplane or helicopter or hot air balloon
Going on a sleigh ride, hay ride, or other horse-drawn situation
Getting invited on stage during a Broadway play, magic act, or Cirque du Soleil type show
If you have done any of these with someone, dude, you should totally be married to them by now, according to the Laws of the Bachelorette. You should also cry a lot. And also “put yourself out there.” And also announce at various times that you know that your future husband/wife is “in the room right now, I just know it.” And also, hot tubs are required. Lots and lots of hot tubs.
Lastly, whatever you do: DON’T MAKE FRIENDS. This is not just for romance. It’s a rule for career, relationships, whatever. Friends are for suckers.