Hey! Hi y’all! I’m alive!
Where have I been? Oh, you know. Lying on the bathroom floor. As you do.
I have been sick as a dooooog, people. Sicker than I have ever been in my entire adult life. And granted, that still isn’t very sick compared to what many people have to deal with, but because I have always been pretty dang healthy, getting relatively sick entitles me to be an extra big baby about the whole thing. It’s in the healthy people handbook, is it not? Get normal-size sick, and let the whining rip. That’s how I do it, anyhow.
It was a particularly nasty stomach flu that got me. Yep, that’s all. But still, come on, feel bad for me. I didn’t get to eat anything for a week! Waaahhhh.
And PS, I think it’s weird that after one is sick, that anyone would compliment them on how thin they look afterward. Because wow, yay! You puked for a week and now you look FABYOOLUSS. Way to be, lady! Puking totes agrees with you. You should puke all the time, is basically what I’m saying! Health schmealth! Being skinny is way more important!
Here are the things that happened during the week that my gut-plumbing shut down.
1. I watched a lot of dumb tv, and you know what I discovered? Any reality show starring a former Playboy Bunny (really, I need to capitalize that?), or a Kardashian, or a Real Housewife? IS THE EXACT SAME SHOW. This may not be news to anyone but me, but truly. It’s a lot of really wealthy people doing absolutely nothing, fighting with each other about the same stuff, with lots of hair growing out of huge heads, 6-inches of makeup covering their entire hairless bodies. And they all fight about who said what shit about who. I don’t know why I thought there were like, subtle differences between them. There really aren’t.
2. Sports drinks, which I find disgusting any other time, were the only thing that I wanted to ingest all week. Bring on the day-glo liquid! It all of a sudden seems like a great idea to consume gallons of it. This just might mean I have radioactive superpowers now.
3. Nordic Boy still tries to make me laugh even when I feel like a coughed up cat hairball. He called me at one point to check to see how I was doing, and I was in the middle of gut-drama, so I answered the phone and yelled “I CAN’T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW” and hung up on him. He put his phone down and left work immediately to come home. I asked him what was it that worried him so much as to drop everything and his response was “when I called you, the way you presented yourself wasn’t optimal.”
4. I have had a myriad of experiences in my life, but lying on the bathroom floor as a feel-better strategy is not one of them. I was more often the hair-holder-backer in my youth, when things got dicey for my pals. I always wondered why people wanted to lie on the bathroom floor when they felt that bad. I have always just wanted my bed when I felt sick. A bathroom floor? Weird. Let’s just say that I gave it a whirl this week, and wow. There was no place else in the world that would have done me better. Bathroom floor reclining. Off my bucket list! Woo!
5. I have heard that different people have similar anxiety dreams. Like taking a test they haven’t studied for, or having their teeth fall out, or being naked in public. My anxiety dreams all have to do with me being in a show of some kind, and hearing the stage manager call “places!” and running to get in place in time for a curtain to go up and I know I am never going to make it. I had a lot of those dreams this week. Also, a dream about adopting a baby sheep as my child.
Feeling better now. Goodbye Real Housewives, Sports drinks, and lying on the bathroom floor. Ok, maybe you can stay, Housewives.
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