Won’t You Please, Please Help Me

I am constantly amazed at the number of people that I know that struggle, in large ways and small ways, and don’t seem to want any help. What is going on around here, where people feel like they can’t ask for help? Or even accept it when it’s offered?

Ima go on record and say that I love getting help. And giving help. I don’t see the downside either way. Well, I guess I don’t like helping friends who only seem to take and take and would never think to reciprocate when I am in a jam. But if you’re a person that only takes and never gives, that means you’re kind of douchey. And I have a strict policy of cutting you the hell out of my life if you are douchey. Hence, I don’t have any friends like that so that doesn’t count.

When I typed “in a jam” right there? I accidentally typed “in a ham.” I kind of like that better.

There are times when I have wondered if, when people seem like they really need help, and I offer and they don’t respond, whether it’s appropriate for me to just show up at their door. Aggressive helping, are we for this? I don’t know. I haven’t done that yet, but I have thought about it. There was a time when a friend of ours was having really serious home maintenance issues, and we knew about it, and they hadn’t asked us for help, but they were drowning, so Nordic Boy just went over there and was all “here’s how I am going to help you. I have my tools in the car and we’re getting started today. What I can’t fix, I will make a written plan for you of how to tackle the rest.” BOSSY BRITCHES. But you know what? They wanted to cry they were so thankful that someone did that. But they wouldn’t have asked.

So maybe bossy helpfulness is ok, sometimes. I just don’t know if I have the balls to pull that off though. I have seriously thought about it, but never gone through with it. Have you?

I think the people that have the same giving methodology as mine are my friends Alli and Chis. They give and accept help all the time, no probs. I attribute this to our all being raised similarly, in the same environment. My friend The Soggy Librarian is another person who gets the whole giving/getting helpful thing. Now that she has her little sweet pea kiddo, I would totally go over there and do her dishes for her if she needed a nap or something. I guess what surprises me is the number of people that I know who would be appalled about a friend doing their dishes. No matter how tired, or buried in dishes, or exhausted-to-the-point-of-tears they were.

I am going on record right now to say that if I am crying over something like that? COME OVER AND DO MY DISHES. I will be grateful.

What got me thinking about this was my weekend. Over the weekend, Nordic Boy and I decided to do a very time-consuming house project. Outside. In the heat. And it had very specific time constraints. Nordic Boy is used to all of these conditions. I am, well, not so much. So after Saturday, where we stayed outside until about 10pm and we weren’t even half way done with what I (not we) had mapped out for the weekend, I was exhausted.

Sunday morning, we got up and started working immediately. Really, Nordic Boy had told me there was no way we would get this project done in one weekend, but I wanted to believe. I was all Corey Hart: NEVER SURRENDER! By 11am, we had been working for four hours and I was tired and GRUMPY.


To which he replied. “I am coming over.”

And he did. He just came over and got to work. And worked with us until we all literally could barely stand up, we were so dirty and tired and sweaty and disgusting. Even though when he first got there I was using a snappy tone because I am an asshole sometimes. Even though he had work to do for his actual paying job. Even though he still had grocery shopping to do. Even though he also had dance rehearsal to go to later that I am sure he was exhausted for by the time he was done at our house. Even though we had nothing to offer him in the way of snacks. He came over, and clearly realized that I was at the end of my rope and distracted my grumpy mood all day while we worked by being funny and silly and delightful.

He’s really a friggin’ awesome friend to Nordic Boy and me. I wish more people were like him. And I hope I can be half as awesome as that to my peeps.

Next time someone is in a ham, go help them out, ok? Think about Delium and just go.

Also? I am so sore. Manual labor is hard.


  1. I especially appreciated this post. I have a similar no douchewaffle friends policy, and I love to help, yet I have the Hardest Freakin Time asking for help, and I do need it sometimes. I am officially putting it on my to-do list: ask for help more often. ~k8PS: FYI, I don't do dishes, but I do laundry & I cook. Including fancy vegetarian fare.

  2. If I do your dishes, I LOVE you. A deep unending move-mountains LOVE. Also, I want to be friends with your Delium. He sounds like the best person ever. Also Also, I am usually on the bossy-help side with my friends, but also also also, never ask if I need help. -K

  3. I have a hard time asking for help too, but if I'm ever in a ham and someone helps me out I get super weepy and then "Walking on Sunshine" plays in my head for like, 2 weeks, all due to the kindness of people.

  4. I think bossy-help can be OK – I have a hard time asking for help, and have been the recipient of bossy help before, it was much appreciated. Maybe ask if it's OK, y'know? If you don't just offer, but *show up* with help, you should be able to tell if it's appreciated (tears, thankyouthankyouthankyou), or not (what the H are you doin' in my house?). If you never risk offending anyone, it kinda shuts you down, y'know? U.B.U.

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