It’s story time, lil chilluns. Gather round. Do you want to hear about the worst pick up line I have ever heard? Psh. Of course you do.
Many years ago, back in the olden days before electricity was invented, I was a dancer, and I was living in Chicago and doing some choreography for a small dance company there. The dance studio we used was affiliated with one of the thirty-six crajillion universities in that fair city. While there, I would sometimes wait for my studio time in a student lounge type area, with my book, a gigantic dance bag (it’s required that dancers have bags that are at least two times their body weight at all times), and an exceedingly aggressive do-not-talk-to-me-please crease in my brow.
One day, a young fellow happened by and sat in the same area. He asked me what I was reading, because apparently he was deficient in brow literacy. And for all my brow bravado, I really am ok with talking to just about anyone (hello, future librarian), so I answered him. His name was Drew.
Drew started, from then onward, to show up pretty regularly to say hi to me. He was your typical art geek college dude, and was cute except for an unfortunate need to wear a red beret at times. Despite the cuteness and the opportunity to be with someone who I could sing “Raspberry Beret” to, I was completely not in-like with Drew. He just didn’t do it for me, plus I was already seeing someone at the time. But if he wanted to stop and say hi to me from time to time after braving my no-talking face, that was fine by me.
After a few days of short conversations, our friendship took a bit of a turn. Here’s how it went.
Him: Have you ever read Dracula?
Him: Are you more of a vampire person or a werewolf person?
Me: Um…how do you mean?
Him: You know that vampires and werewolves are enemies, right? Like, mythologically speaking?
An aside: Most of that conversation is, admittedly, reconstructed from my memory. However, the one thing that I am positive I am quoting verbatim is the phrase “mythologically speaking.” It was as soon as he said those words that I knew that this conversation was not something I needed to be involved in. If you want me to sort of want to check out of a conversation I am having with you, say the words “mythologically speaking” to me in a Very Serious Voice, and I will pretty much be on my way.
Me: Oh. Ok. I guess I sort of knew that.
Him: So, which one?
Me: Which one what?
Him: Which do you prefer, vampires or werewolves?
Me: I’m not sure. I guess I’ve never really thought about it.
Him: Well, if you like vampires, it’s kind of cool, um, at least to me, but ah, I have lots of ancestry that goes back to Transylvania.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Ok.
Him: I mean, not that that means I have any vampire genes in me or anything. Not everyone from Transylvania was a vampire. That’s just a sort of misconception about the place. But still. It makes me feel somewhat of a kinship to vampires.
ARE YOU GUYS HEARING THIS?
Me: Ok. Yeah, I see what you’re saying. So, you’re a vampire person.
Him: Well, I guess so. But other people I have asked this question to have disagreed, especially girls. So I’m wondering what you think. Am I more vampire or werewolf?
Me: I don’t really know you well enough to say. But I guess if I had to choose which was cooler, I guess I would say vampires. Better fashion sense. Ha ha.
Him: Yeah. I suppose so. But, like I said, most people assume I am more of a werewolf person. Especially girls.
DON’T ASK HIM WHY! DON’T ASK HIM WHY! FOR THE LOVE OF LISA BOOF MARCONI!
Him: I don’t know. I guess I’m just more…animalistic.
Me: Oh. (Oh noh).
Him: I have that side to me, you know?
Him: And the other thing is, well, I’m pretty hairy.
Him: In fact, I have a really hairy back. Really, really hairy. (Leaning in, seductively)…Wanna see it?
Ladies, I implore you. Have you ever heard such a thing in your life? Do you think he planned to say that? Like, in advance? Had he used this before? Had it ever worked?
I wish I could remember how I got myself out of this situation. Rest assured that I somehow said SHITS NO in answer to his question (although I think I said it nicely), and that I extricated myself from the conversation. Drew continued to stop by to say hello to me in the following weeks, and there were more weirdo conversations that we had, which I won’t get into now because they don’t top the vampire/werewolf thing.
So all I have to say about this, really, is directed to all those Twilight fans out there. I had a chance to be with a vampire/werewolf HYBRID, ladies.