Allison and Map came to visit me last weekend. And there were moments where I laughed so hard that I could have DIED.
Do you have any friends in your life that have known you your whole life? The friends where you can say anything about your life, and I mean ANYTHING, from your first day of kindergarten to your worst day of driver’s ed to your First Time, and they will know every person you refer to, every teacher you ever had, every embarrassing thing you ever did? It is sort of awesome.
Can I ask you this in all honesty? Was there a lot of making out when you were in high school? Because there was a lot of making out when we were in high school. I mean, left and right. Sometimes when we talk about high school now, I wonder if we and our friends ever did anything else except for make out with boys. It’s like we were in a permanent liplock for four straight years. Hormonal much? Yes, very, very much.
The upside of this now is that there are some FUNNY ASS STORIES that come out of the whole thing. Some of which we didn’t share with each other at the time because we were Playing It Cool back then, dontchaknow. But now we know that we were not cool and were never cool and so why shouldn’t we get some entertainment value out of the whole mess? Result: awesome stories. I shall tell you some now, shall I? I won’t go into whether these stories are mine, or Alli’s, or Map’s. Because maybe they might not want a particular one attributed to them (in case one of us wants to still Play It Cool just a teensy bit) so I’ll leave that a bit hazy. I’ll just meld us all into one person and call us Liballimap, cool? Cool. Enjoy the teen madness.
One time, Liballimap went on a double date to the movies. Her date was Sam. The other couple was Mike and Jen. It was Liballimap’s firstish date with Sam, and she was a bit nervous. And do you know that during this date, Mike and Jen were making out (or “mashing” as we used to call it) non-stop the entire time, right in front of Liballimap, and Sam, and whoever else happened to be loitering around them? This seems bad enough, but it was not just regular kissing that Mike and Jen were engaged in. Nope. Rather, every time they got a chance, Jen would CLIMB ONTO MIKE’S LAP and straddle him to make out. Right out there, BAM. Every two seconds! She did this at the movies, she did this every time Mike was sitting down, anywhere. Mike sits down, and whammo, Jen is friggin’ mounting him. Sam and Liballimap were horrified, but didn’t say anything. Because when you are in high school and Playing It Cool, then why would you say anything? Just turn red and don’t make eye contact. It’s in the Playing It Cool handbook. On the way home from the double date with the Sitter and the Straddler, they stop at a red light. Guess what? Jen hops on Mike for a full frontal make out AT THE LIGHT. Poor Sam and Liballimap cower against their respective doors in the back seat. And Liballimap happens to look out the window, and who is in the next car over? Her grandma of course. Nice. Liballimap scrunches way down in her seat and her grandma never had to know that Liballimap was in a car with the Sitter and the Straddler.
Liballimap, after a party, is kissed by her crush, Malcolm. It is a surprise-attack kiss where he sort of jumps on her the way PeeWee Herman did to Penelope in Big Top Peewee. After the kiss, which was pretty long and just might qualify as mashing, he disentangles himself and runs away. He actually, literally, runs away. Fast. They never speak of the kiss again and pretty much act like they don’t know each other when they get back to school.
Another time, in 10th grade, Liballimap spent the night with her friend. After the friend’s parents went to bed, they sneaked out of the house and went to a party. At the party, Liballimap meets up with a boy named Luke who makes the big move. They make out on a couch in some random room of this party. While making out, he blows his wad right through his pants. Only, it wasn’t on his pants. Rather, it was all over his shirt. As no clothing was undone, Liballimap is confused about the physics of this scenario to this very day.
Maybe you have to know all of the players involved in these stories to think they are funny, but I keep thinking about them all week and giggling at the most inopportune moments. I don’t know if having them here last weekend has just made me more giggly in general (which is quite a feat), but lots of things are making me crack up. Among them:
1. The 5 million stories we told akin to the ones above.
2. President Obama calling Kanye West a jackass.
3. A bumper sticker I saw this week that said “Nice Truck. Sorry about your small pee-pee.”
4. Nordic Boy and I yelling “YOU LIE!” at each other every time something goes awry in our lives.
5. These earrings the Allison’s husband found and told her I had to have. She brought them all the way from Chicago and I LOVE THEM.