Last week, I was in Whole Foods. It was after work, I was feeling really tired, and it was rainy as all snot outside. I think the only word that could really describe me that day was bedraggled. I was be-effin-draggled.
As I shopped, I immediately noticed that my spirits, they were brightening. The spring was coming back in my step. And then I realized what was causing this. It was the music. Whole Foods was blasting some DEBARGE, people! Debarge. Oh. Yes. There must be some kind of marketing study somewhere that shows that humming “Tothebeatoftherhythmofthenight, dance until the morning laht! Forgetabouttheworriesonyo’mind, you can leave them all behaaaaaand” makes you want to buy more tangelos. Because it did. And I was happy to do it. Oh, Janet, how could you have let James Debarge go? Did being around him make you want to buy tangelos all day long?
So then, last night, I went in there again. This time I wasn’t bedraggled or anything. I walked through the produce section and starting squeezing the avocados (is there any other food that gets felt up at the rate of avocados?). This time, they had Neil Diamond blasting. And the produce guy, standing next to me, stacking up the tomatoes? Did this.
Piped in music: Sweeet Caroline!
Produce guy: Bah, bah baaaah!
Piped in music: Good times never seem so good!
Produce guy: SO GOOD! SO GOOD!
Just right out in the open. Didn’t look at me, kept stacking those tomatoes, but singing back up for Neil. With HEART.
I moved on to the noodle aisle. The song kept playing. And in that aisle, there was another worker unloading some such. And it happened again!
Neil: Touching me, touching youuuuuu!….Sweet Caroline!
Noodle guy: Bah, bah baaah!
Neil: Good times never seemed so good!
Noodle guy: SO GOOD! SO GOOD!
I walked all around that store, and there were people singing back up to Neil everywhere! I mean, EVERYWHERE. Not to each other in a sing-along way. Just to themselves, as they were going about their business. Not a shred of irony in the whole thing.
This, my friends, is the world I want to live in. I think I am going to move in at Whole Foods.
BAH BAH BAAAAH.