There is this horrifying scene in a movie I saw once, and it scarred me. Like, forever.
It wasn’t The Ring. It wasn’t Dawn of the Dead. It wasn’t creepy Norman Bates and his momma. It was “Playing By Heart” starring the likes of Angelina Jolie, Sean Connery, and Gillian “Scully” Anderson, among others.
First of all, the movie is b-list. It’s not a straight-to-dvd movie, but it was probably close. It’s not high quality, is all I’m saying. In the movie, there are all of these separate plotlines about different romances, and as the movie goes on you see how all of these characters all know each other. Sort of a “Sidewalks of New York” idea.
One of the couples is Scully and Jon Stewart. Yes, that Jon Stewart. Don’t go out and rent the movie if you are a Daily Show fan (me), and have a teensy crush on Jon Stewart (me again). First of all, it’s embarrassing to see the man we all know to be so smart and funny and smart and smart and funny sitting right in the middle of this dumbass movie. He’s just so… better than that. You don’t deserve to see him that way. And second of all, he is in The Horrifying Scene. The one that scarred me.
I don’t even remember the plot line. I don’t remember anything but the awful scene. He and Scully, there are in wedded bliss in their apartment. Or shacked up bliss. Something like that. And Scully is brushing her teeth. Not fake brushing her teeth, the likes of which you see in tv and movies, where there is no actual toothpaste involved and it looks all pretty. She is actually brushing her teeth. With white, frothy, saliva-activated toothpaste. And Jon, my lovely Jon, swoops in and takes her in his arms, and they kisss. Like, he just laps up the toothpaste spilling out of her mouth, and they smooch it up.
Nordic Boy and I, we have been together for a long time. And we make out quite a bit. More than is really necessary, really. But in all the times we have kissed, we don’t let our toothpaste, our IN USE toothpaste, touch each other in any way. Because, gross, right? Isn’t that gross?
If I am wrong about this, and you all are sharing toothpaste in this way, please do not tell me. I want to believe this is not acceptable behavior.
So this weekend, I was brushing my teeth (and no, don’t worry, I am not about to tell you a story where I saw the light and actually thought it was fine to kiss this way. I wouldn’t do that to you). And while I was doing so, I look to the side (where the door is open into the hallway). Nordic Boy is walking back and forth in front of the door. First, he walks by in a “Walk Like an Egyptian” sort of dance. Next, he kicks by, like he has a top hat and is marching off a vaudeville stage. Next, he does an MC Hammer scoot by. Next, he booty-bops by, swinging an invisible pretend weave, and singing “to the left, to the left,” like Beyonce. And so on. Each one weirder than the last. Finally, he stays in the hallway, and just peeks his head around the corner with a weird bug-eyed, smiling Carol Channing face and sings “Jeepers, Creepers, where’d you get those eyessssss!”
To which I answered by taking my toothbrush out of my mouth, bursting into laughter, and SPRAYING HIS ENTIRE FACE WITH TOOTHPASTE.
It was brutal. I didn’t mean to do it, I swear. But the more he did crazy walks past the door, the more I wanted to laugh, but the more I thought I could hold it in until I was done. Bad call. Very bad call.
Some performers get tomatoes thrown at them. But this? This is unprecedented I am sure. The toothpaste spit-take. Onto the person I love most in the world, who is just trying to cheer up my day.
So as much as “Playing By Heart” has made me think about how I would never let my used toothpaste touch anyone else, ever, I have indeed sunk that low. Not cool, LG. Not even cool.