"Memes, Madam! I Know Not Memes!"

So, I’m sorry this whole blog thing has fallen to shite for the past coupla weeks. Let’s just leave it at that, ok, and not have to have an awkward Ross-and-Rachel-I-was-on-a-break conversation about why posting more often was just not working for me and how I cannot always fulfill my blog’s needs. Every day for two weeks, the blog would look at me with desire. And I was all not tonight, honey, I have a headache. And then the blog would say something like pleasebabybabyplease and I would say I don’t like it when you’re all clingy and then the blog would say I’m waiting for you, every day and you are letting me down, and I would say dang you, I gots to hang with my girls sometimes, and then I gave the blog an icy stare and it crossed its arms at me.

But, we are all good now, mending fences with each other, so we don’t have to keep playing these mind games.

Here’s a little meme action for your pleasure, which was tagged at me (tagged to me? tagged for me?) by one of you all somewhere some time ago and I am all shame-shame to admit I can’t remember who it was. That’s right, I am not only going to not post for two weeks, but when I do, I am going to get all memey on you. HOW LAZY CAN I GET?

I am not usually very good at memes because I start to get all ornery about how the questions are formulated and I am not so hot with succint meme-like answers because I am Lady Blabs-A-Lot, so bear with me. You didn’t think that meme-answering was a thing one could suck at, did you? It is not exactly a skill-based activity, after all. However, I suck at many things that require little to no skill. Kickball, for instance. Also, eating lunch is difficult for me. And Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Anyhoo. Here we go. My attempt at memery.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Not to start off all Pollyanna, but why are we starting off with murdering someone? Is this really necessary? Chill out, dude. It’s so not worth it.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?

This whole meme better not be about killing people. I’m trying to play along but I really can’t think of an artist I hate that much. The most I can muster up is just a mild disdain. Like…Heidi Montag. Who did attempt a recording career, yes? Or did I just dream that?

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Wow, so now we’re not killing people, we are just hitting them. Emily Post didn’t write this meme, that’s for damn sure. I haven’t been able to answer these questions very well so far, but this one, I think I can do. Bill O’Reilly kind of makes me go there. The librarian does not like Papa Bear.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
Dean Martin.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?

I swear I am not trying to be difficult, but the truth is I’m not a big sandwich eater. I tend to like a nice slice of avocado on a sandwich though. And spicy mustard. Is that good enough?

Jeezy Creezy, I suck at this.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Celebrities honestly don’t do it for me, for the most part. Like Brad Pitt and George Clooney I find completely repulsive. A young Gregory Peck (who doesn’t find Atticus Finch sexy?), maybe. So, yeah, I don’t know.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?
I’m not getting burned on that deal again. Band boys are the devil and I have a strict policy of not touching them ANY MORE.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?
Yay! A question I can definitively answer! Clothes, without a doubt.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Home to see my folks. Not glamorous, but it’s true.

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
A beverage angel? Really? Water is my favorite beverage. Then I am partial to fresh squeezed juices. What a square.

11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
Rufus? Like Chaka Khan Rufus? Or Gossip Girl Rufus? Or Wainwright, Rufus? (Yes, yes, I know it’s Bill & Ted’s Rufus, I just wanted to list all the Rufuses I could think of). I’d like to go and spend some time with my parents in Fiji when they were young and had just met and were rocking the hizzouse.

12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No alarm clocks.

13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?
I want the old variety show to come back. Like Donny and Marie, Sonny and Cher, Carol Burnett, Laugh-In, The Smothers Brothers, Ed Sullivan. God I am old.

14. What is your favorite curse word?
I love all the cusses like they are my own children.

15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, what do you do?
Freak the fuck OUT. Obviously.

16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?
Get Nordic Boy and me out of there? Again, obviously.

17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Hold onto my honey, I’m not gonna lie. And also, ask the Angel of Death if he’s related to the Beverage Angel and how the Angel duties get doled out like that.

18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
I hate it when I accidentally eat radioactive vegetables. I always thought Magneto was really cool, but I don’t really feel like I’ll need to manipulate metal with my mind in my daily life. I mean, really. What am I going to do? Go to work and staple papers together with my mind? So maybe…accelerated healing would be good.

19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Some sort of dance highlight, I think.

20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Yeah, I don’t really want to say. Who put this depressing shit in the meme?

21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?
I kind of love where I live now. But if I am kicked out of the US, I would go to New Zealand where lots of my family are living now.

22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
I so could not care less.

23. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question… If you did, then we’ll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like “Check it out I can FLY!?”
BioGirl’s. Although I have given her crazy news in the past and it has caused her to run away from me and shut herself into the bathroom for a few minutes. If I could fly, she might might never come out, so maybe not.

24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Mr. Rogers.


  1. You did a fantastic job with what must be the worst meme in the entire meme universe. Seriously, who came up with that thing? I’m thinking somebody under the age of 19. (No general offense to the under-19 crowd here.) But really. You managed to make it quite funny, which is but one reason that I like you.P.S. Atticus Finch! YES.

  2. I totally agree, Mr. Rogers. As long as he isn’t a zombie cause I don’t know if I could handle a zombie Mr. Rogers with monster goggle glasses chasing me around for my brains.

  3. I agree with Teej. This meme is hideous. I would like the Beverage Angel to set up a never ending supply of coffee. And wine.Have a great weekend!

  4. In December of 2002 I bought tickets to hear Fred Rogers speak in my Virginia home town. And he died before the April 2003 gig. So they sent David Newel in his place. He’s Mr. McFeely. I got to shake his hand but it was so sad. I really loved Mr. Rogers.

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