There are many, many things I love about Facebook. I love reconnecting with people that I haven’t talked to in a long time. I love being able to see the photos of my friends and their families and trips and weddings and all. I love taking a moment out of my day to take a quiz on “Which Sweathog from Welcome Back Kotter Are You?” I love that I can Facebook Chat easily with my friends and relatives overseas. I love that it’s easy to send my friends a quick message, or link, or photo, or video or whatever. I love that it’s like having a high school/college reunion without, you know, actually having a high school/college reunion.
Those are the things I like about my Facebook experience. There are also things that confuse and perplex me. That’s right, confuse AND perplex. Both. Not at all redundant, me.
The following are some of these.
The people from middle school who send you a friend request, and you accept, and then you say hi, and they NEVER MAKE A SOUND? I mean, what is that? Why are you friending me, oh silent one who I haven’t seen since puberty? You have no interest in saying hello to me, or catching up, and yet here we are, Facebook friends. Goodie for us. This seems like the equivalent of asking me out on a date, and then sitting at the restaurant with me in silence the whole time. Which has actually happened to me, by the way. Except I was the one that didn’t talk during the date. And that was only because I was so intimidated by the boy that I clammed up like I had too much Polident in my mouth. And I don’t think that intimidation has anything to do with this behavior on Facebook. Regardless, it’s weird.
The people who were assholes in high school who continue to be assholes as grownups…on Facebook. COME ON! This is your big chance to show us all that you have changed! That you grew out of it! That you have become a decent human being! There was this one guy, who lived in my neighborhood? And although he was nice to me growing up, he was pretty much a dick to anyone that he deemed not on his level. I recently saw that he had made a high schooly dickish remark on a fellow classmate’s Facebook page. Really? Still? You’re going to go there? Gross.
Braggy braggy on the Facebook page status updates. WHAT? WHY? “Jane is wondering what she is going wear to the Oscars.” “Jack is having highballs at the London Ritz Carlton.” Jane, I remember when you barfed all over the floor during dodgeball, and Jack, I pantsed you in 9th grade and saw your skidmarks, so talk to the hand, ok?
Ladies who, instead of an actual profile photo of themselves, just put a photo of their hand with a big diamond ring on it. To be fair, none of my Facebook friends have done this, but I have seen these on the “suggested friends” lists that I get.
In “real life,” people are funny. And weird. And confusing. So too on Facebook, I suppose. At least now I know that I am 70% Vinnie Barbarino with 30% Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington mixed in. So thanks, Facebook, for that.