1. What the hell is a tid and why does it have bits? Is this a dirty word I am using?
2. On Saturday, I asked Nordic Boy what he was thinking about having for lunch. He said he was going to make a sandwich. And when he went into the kitchen to do so? I heard him bust out into “Oh Sandy” from Grease. Singing to his sandy-wich! “Love has flown! All alone! I sit and wonder why-yi-yi- oh why. You left me… oh Sandyyyyyy.” That dude is funny.
3. That dude, while funny, also has taken to telling me romantic things in a very aggressive way. Like, when he leaves for work in the morning, he’ll call out from the door: “I LOVE YOU!” and then point at me and say “IN YOUR FACE!!” Is this what happens when you’ve been together for this long? You get loved and trash-talked simultaneously?
3. I went to a bunch of parties this weekend. And managed to make an ass of myself everywhere I went. Ready? Here we go.
a. At one party, I thought I was going to get out of it without any points of stupid flying forth from my pores. I made it the all way through the whole dang thing and I behaved myself just fine. Then, as I was leaving, I was making the rounds, saying goodbye, shaking hands, hugging where appropriate. I got to one of my friends, who I think was not really thinking I was going to go in for the hug, but then I did a HUG AMBUSH and surprised him. If you are a hug ambush person, you may already know that there might be some weirdness with your victim because they don’t know which way you’re coming in, and so you have to think on your feet about where your respective faces are going to go, or else the hug ambush could turn into an accidental makeout. Oh, oops, hugging is happening, which way to turn my head, which way, which WAY? Well in this case, we both decided to go the same way. Which resulted in us hugging, and pressing faces. Like the whole side of my face from temple to cheek to chin, was pressed right up against his face. For a kind of long moment. We were there, in tango-ready position, in a full-side-face press. This guy went from thinking he was going to wave goodbye at me all the way to a weirdo face invasion FAST. I’m not sure I can describe how uncomfortable this is if you have never actually been involved in an accidental face press. Next time you try and hug someone, maneuver yourself into a position where you are pressing their face with your face. And then hold it there for a minute. It is weirdly intimate. And mortifying.
b. One of the parties I went to was a wedding, where I did my nuptual duty by dancing my rear off in honor of my friends. On the dance floor, the lovely bride danced over to me for a dancey chat. I thought I would make a lame joke, because you know, hey, it’s to be expected from one such as myself. So I said “hey, so are you nervous about having sex tonight for the first time ever?” because ha ha we are all adults and she lives with her honey and so…yeah…I told you it was lame but that’s not even the embarrassing part. Somehow, the music swelled in volume right at the moment I said “for the first time ever” and so it just seemed like I said “so are you nervous about having sex tonight?” which…seriously, why would anyone say that to anyone, ever? She sort of looked at me and said “oh, uh, I don’t know if we’re really going to be having sex tonight, I mean we’ll probably be pretty tired…” while all the while I’m sure the end of that thought went unsaid. Why is this crazy bootyshanker asking me about my private sexy bidness? She clearly had no hometraining and was raised by hooligans. Again, sort of mortifying.
Stop judging me. Or I swear to god I will face-press you.