Ok you guys. I really have to wrap this story up. Because I am getting bored with this story and although you are being really nice to me about it and I appreciate that, I know you are too. You know how, in movies, there are montages that show scenes that are happening to denote the passage of time? I can almost promise you that this post will have a montage. Settle in, because I am pushing through this sucker, right now.
Last we talked, I had told you that I had the Best Time Evah with Nordic Boy, but then janky old ex-boyfriend Poop Nugget shows back up and I took him back like a stupid cud-chewing cow. Regurgitating my bad boyfriend right back up.
Yikes, that was really gross imagery there. Sorry about that.
The following day, I walked back into work, and Nordic Boy smiled at me. And I thought I was going to melt from happiness. And cry because of Poop Nugget. And pee my pants at having to be an ass to Nordic Boy. All the liquid feelings, they were upon me all at once.
Again with the grossness! Sorry ’bout that.
Nordic Boy and I had made a plan to have lunch together that day. I went up to him in the morning and told him about Poop Nugget. You know what he said?
Nordic Boy: Oh. Ok. I get it. Where do you want to eat lunch?
Here’s where I have to explain something. And anyone who knows Nordic Boy but at all would back me up on this, because these qualities about him kind of smack you right in the face.
1. Nordic Boy is not possessive.
2. Nordic Boy is consistent.
3. Nordic Boy does not freak out.
4. Nordic Boy is unconditional.
Now, being the immature 19-year-old that I was, and being in a relationship with Poop Nugget who was very possessive, and very inconsistent, and freaked out lots, and was very conditional (I mean come on, don’t assy cheaters have to have standards??), I SO DID NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.
I totally didn’t get this reaction. It would be fair to say that I thought Nordic Boy was maybe hard of hearing. Although he did look kind of disappointed, he was not being sarcastic, or condescending, or mad, or embarrassed at being sort of dumped.
I thought he was just trying to save face. So we went to lunch, and had another great time, and at the end of that lunch, I gave him the old “I hope we can still be friends” line. And I was so sad, because I wished that we could really be friends, because I liked him so much. So much it kind of hurt me in my gut.
And you know what happened? He totally WAS still my friend. He did not let things get weird, at all. He still joked it up with me, he still gave me rides home, he still asked me to lunch, he still watched movies with me, he just…acted NORMAL.
Remember how I said that I wasn’t used to maturity? I also was not used to people acting so friggin’ normal. Who DOES that?
So, from that day forward, Nordic Boy was the best friend I ever had. We were the type of friends where we never got sick of each other, or mad at each other, and we always laughed our heads off together, and we saw each other every day, and we always secretly had a crush on each other that just about killed us but we didn’t talk about it. It was the only thing in the world we didn’t talk about. We hung out just the same, we did everything just the same. Just minus the smooching. But we were always, unbeknownst to each other, ALMOST smooching.
I remember there was this one time? We were watching a movie in my apartment and Poop Nugget called. The purpose of his call was to pick a fight with me all the way from another state. And I sat there and had this fight with him over the phone, while Nordic Boy sat there with the movie on “pause.” And after I got off the phone, drying my pathetic eyes and trying to pull myself together, Nordic Boy had me doubled over in laughter within 5 minutes. Because no matter what, Nordic Boy can make me laugh. You know how, when you are watching a scary movie and the stupid girl in the movie is about to go into the serial killer’s abandoned cabin because she is just that brain dead? And how you yell at the screen, going all “NO! Don’t go in there! The hockey mask pyscho is behind that door! STOP!” That’s a similar feeling that I get when I think about nights like the night Poop Nugget called to pick a fight with me with Nordic Boy right in the room. I look at my young self and I think about Nordic Boy and I go “NO! The guy you should be with! IS RIGHT THERE! HE’S RIGHT THERE!!! IDIOT! Don’t you see him? GAWD you are dense.”
But I didn’t see it. Or actually, it would be more accurate to say that I did see it, but for some reason, for once in my life, my ballsiness had run out. I couldn’t let myself go there. I can’t explain this.
This is where you all get to psychoanalyze me about how I obviously didn’t think I deserved a good dude and that I had self esteem issues and that I must have thought that I needed drama in my life and blah blah blah. Go ahead, you know you’re thinking it.
Well, that sort of explains it in the Poop Nugget era. But that era didn’t last for very long. We broke up soon after. And then I dated some other dudes along the way, and they weren’t bad dudes. They were nice. But I don’t know why I didn’t jump on the Nordic Boy train (does that sound dirty? I didn’t mean it dirty. Well, not entirely) earlier than I did. Maybe I thought that I would lose him as a friend. But that doesn’t make sense either, because every time I was single, Nordic Boy and I would hook up. And then when we weren’t hooked up, it still wasn’t weird. Still best friends, like always.
And to be totally honest with you, I was always in love with Nordic Boy. Like, CONSCIOUSLY. I knew I was. What’s more, I knew he felt the same way. I knew it! And I knew that he knew it! And he knew that I knew. I knew that too. BLAH! I don’t know what the hell was going on.
(Here’s where you can insert a time-passing type montage. Nordic Boy and I, having zany adventures, sit-com style. Theme song from “Friends” playing in the background…)
Are you guys still awake?
Ok, let’s cut to the chase. I started dating this other guy. He was significant, in that our relationship lasted about a year. I don’t have a handy nickname for him so we’ll skip that. He was a good guy, really. Just completely clueless about who he was. (I know, I know, from this story so far, who am I to talk? But truly, over the time that had passed, I think I started to know who I was a lot more. Just trust me on that). And when that relationship ended, I was exhausted. Not just from him, but from my life in general. I had been a stuggling artist-type for a long ass time, and I was POOR. Like, sometimes I didn’t have enough to eat poor. Add to that some other Super Serious Drama in other parts of my life, and I was THROUGH.
Through with what, you ask?
That’s right, people. I was so over everything, that I was all BUMP THAT NOIZE and I LEFT THE COUNTRY. For serious.
I was going back to the homeland in the South Pacific, to sit on some white sandy beaches and let my relatives stuff me with curry and coconut milk. Did I mention that I made this decision to leave literally overnight? One day I was living (by this time I was in Madison, WI) and working and having an apartment and things to do, and the next morning my bags were packed and I had closed out my meager bank account and I was OUT. Ileft the few possessions I had in my apartment and left with one suitcase.
I told Nordic Boy I was leaving. And I said that I didn’t know if I was coming back. Like, ever. And as usual, Nordic Boy was (a) not possessive, and (b) consistent, and (c) did not freak out, and (d) unconditional.
Then I left. For months and months.
Months and months- kind of like this story, huh?
So I went back to Fiji, and I got some sun. With just family around me. No friends, no dudes, no job, no car, no tv. I didn’t even have a phone to call anyone. I was completely unplugged.
Nordic Boy wrote me every week. And I wrote him back. And it would be true to say that I didn’t miss anything about America (well maybe Cool Ranch Doritos) but I did miss him. And eventually, I wanted to come back.
So I said something like “hey you wanna be my dude or something?” and he said “GODDAMMIT YES, LADY” and that was that. I got on a plane, crossed an ocean and it was a done deal.
See why I never told the story before????