Michael, How You Doth Scare Me

You guys are so smart! It was Michael’s. Michael’s is a land of crafts the likes of which are somewhat scary to me, so going there on the day after Halloween was very appropriate indeed. I could have walked around and taken pictures of stuff in there all day long. For instance, pine cones with glitter all over them. What exactly is the point of pine cones with glitter all over them? What does one DO with that? And how does it relate to crafting? Putting aside the fact that glittery pinecones, as a concept, is totally wacko, if one were to want a glittery pinecone and one is a crafter, then wouldn’t you get a plain pinecone and apply the glitter yourself? Buying a pre-glittered pinecone is craft-cheating, as far as I am concerned. And Michael, of the Michael’s chain of craftery, should not be peddling such wares.

And here are a couple of more wares at Michael’s of which caused me oodles of bafflement.

Exhibit A. Found in the Christmas aisle. Giant fake rubies and emeralds. I ask you, why? Why?

Why, to make some superfly bling for your honey, says Nordic Boy, also known as America’s Next Top Hand Model.

Exhibit B. Found in Super Creepy Items for Sale aisle. Teeny tiny carny folk. With moving parts. Buy the whole set and your house would be filled with miniscule animatronic fun!

tiny carny
Let’s fill our entire house with these and then you be Mothra and I’ll be Godzeera, kay?

I wish I had more photos, but Nordic Boy made me stop taking pictures because I wasn’t focusing on what we were there for. Yeah, right, Nordic Boy. We’re in a place where they sell something called the “Natural Ball Value Bag” and you’re blaming me for wanting to take pictures?

So although I could have done my whole month of NaBloPoMo by taking photos in Michael’s, I didn’t. Why, you may ask, were we in Michael’s to begin with? Let me start at the beginning.

A conversation with Biology Girl, Part 1, a while ago.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: I am going to a clothing exchange party. So tonight I have to go home and prepare.
Her: Prepare?
Me: I have to go through my closet and figure out what I am giving away.

A conversation with Biology Girl, Part 2, last week.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: I got invited to a costume party. But I have been so busy, I have no costume. So I may have to spend my Saturday coming up with something. Think I can do it by Saturday night?

A conversation with Biology Girl, Part 3, yesterday afternoon.
Her: What’s up?
Me: I have to run to Michael’s and then maybe to Paper Zone.
Her: Why?
Me: I have to come up with a craft. I got invited to a craft party, and I have no craft!
Her: What is with you? How come every time you have social plans, they involve homework?
Me: You don’t understand. I had to bail out of the costume party because I had no costume. I almost missed the clothing exchange because I didn’t have time to go through my clothes. I am not missing another party because I am unprepared!
Her: Don’t you ever just, like, HANG OUT?
Me: Yes. Just not right now. Shut up about that and help me come up with something.

Let me just say this. Biology Girl and I, when we are together, are the two laziest gits you are ever likely to come across. Our main activity? Sitting down. Sometimes the sitting down involves eating, or watching tv, or chatting. Sometimes we sit with our feet up, sometimes one of us will lie down on a couch and the other will sit on the floor. If we are feeling extra feisty, we may go out for some ice cream. So I think that the thought of me actually getting up off of my ass for social reasons might be a little jarring for her.

I am sorry to say that Michael’s didn’t help me prepare. I just couldn’t figure out whether I wanted to make a wreath and tree from faux peacock feathers or a shaggy ribbon footstool. The decision was too much, so I had to leave. It was like Sophie’s Choice, being in there.

I went home and completed my homework with things I already had there. I am ready to craft tonight! Bring it! I am all in. Half ass, I am not, nor never will be.

I’m out,
Librarian Girl


  1. Ooh ooh! Is it me?And Librarian Girl, you forgot to mention that while we are sitting down we also sometimes do intellectually stimulating things like play 80’s pop culture trivial pursuit or discuss the enigma that is Snoop Dog. See how productive we are? (Maybe this is why I had to move away to get my PhD. Fewer distractions.)

  2. My mom could take an entire weekend to tell you what you could do with a glitter covered pine cone. But I would never subject you to that đŸ™‚

  3. That giant ruby reminded me of my favorite attraction in Vegas: The Liberace Museum. To be more precise, it reminded me of the best exhibit at the Liberace Museum: the world’s largest rhinestone. This rhinestone, which is approximately the size of a large cat, was presented to Liberace by somebody or other, as the old ladies who run the Liberace museum are anxious to make you aware. It sits on velvet, rotating under glass with all sorts of fancy lights on it. Unlike the rest of Vegas, it is completely awesome and I get kind of happy just thinking about it.

  4. I am a lazy party goer. My craft would be drinking wine or beer. I have no cares about half ass-dom, or even full out lame ass-dom. As for Michael’s, I am amazed at the crazy shit they have. That lovely gem may take the cake, though.

  5. When I think of all the crap that is being sold out there, I feel stupid. Because, why can’t *I* make money on all the crap that’s being sold out there?Because I have standards, that’s why.

  6. I must admit that I frequent Michael’s…er…frequently. I do some painting so I go there for acrylic paints and canvases. I have never once purchased a pre-glittered pine cone. I can promise you I’ve never purchased the “Natural Ball Value Bag”. But it does sound tempting.

  7. The natural balls are scaring me. Make them stop.Seriously, people have bowls of these things sitting around their houses growing dustmites and tempting the pets with suicidal chewing fantasies? Wow. I’d rather have the giant red plastic jewel. At least I could hang it in my money window for better feng shui.

  8. Michael’s IS scary! And I am 100% with you on the glittered pine cones issue. Why buy those? What the hell do you do with them? Why go to a craft store to buy a completed craft??

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