Good Grief

Ok, listen up people. (Isn’t that totally such a high school teacher thing to say? “Listen up!” Who else says that phrase except for teachers? That and “settle down!” Basically, those are the two things that teachers want out of students. To listen up, and to settle down).

Back to my point. I have a birthday curse and it has got to stop. Something stupid always happens on my birthday, like clockwork. Nothing catastrophic, nothing earth shattering, just something stupid enough to make the day feel un-birthday-ish. My brother and I have a term for when something happens to you that can be chalked up to nothing but bad luck. We call it the Charlie Brown Syndrome. When you have a week where you lock yourself out of your house (hi, Bio-Girl), or you lose your favorite necklace, or you stick your foot in your mouth at an important work meeting- those events, individually, are just random bad luck events. But if you have a day when ALL of these happen, this can be quickly diagnosed as the Charlie Brown Syndrome. I have taken this Syndrome to new levels. Bad luck things may not be happening to me all in one day, but they do happen to me every year, like a fucked up Old Faithful, on my birthday.

I don’t know what has happened. I used to have great birthdays. My friends would celebrate me, I would get showered with love, I would have this golden day each year that I would remember fondly forever. But now? Nuh-uh. Not happening. Five years straight. The birthday gods are not smiling on me any more. To be perfectly poetic about it: it sucks royally.

I’m not going to get into the details of each of the past five birthdays and why each of them was equivalent to a poopy parade. It’s just too depressing. Let me just stick to my current problems. My birthday is this weekend. I have a birthday dinner with some friends tonight, I have a birthday brunch tomorrow followed by a manicure with another pal, I had birthday plans in the evening. Sunday Nordic Boy has a whole mystery day planned for the two of us. But you know what? Not happening. Because my body has decided to shut down and give me a raging cold wherein the only things I can do are drink warm fluids and watch tv and sleep. This morning? I am unable to talk. The sore throaty-ness has gone from Rita Cosby to Mutey McNo-Sounds. I had to do sicky charades at Nordic Boy this morning to ask him for a glass of water and more tissue. So yeah. Birthday Number 5 in the string of cosmic pratfalls that now commemorates the day I was born. It’s getting kind of hard not to start thinking this is some sort of existential sign. Why the bad birthdays? Five in a row has got to MEAN something. I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me. Shut up about your birthday? Stop trying to celebrate yourself so hard?

I am not accepting this. I am nothing if not able to spin something in my favor. Here’s what I am thinking. A lot of people have bad stuff happening to them all the time. Most people, actually. Bad jobs, bad relationships, all-around bad. So, when their birthday comes around, they, more than anyone, deserve to have a great day. A day where they can forget about all their troubles and just have a blissful time. So maybe (watch this! spin spin spin!) I am having the opposite. I have a great life. I am experiencing my bliss on a daily basis. There’s not much of anything that I would change about my life at all. So maybe, I am having my birthday celebration every day OTHER than my birthday, and I am getting all the Charlie Brown-ness out of my system all in one go, ON my birthday.

It totally makes sense in my head.

You can totally not believe me if you want, or shake your head silently at the way I am trying to re-invent the 5-Year Birthday Shit Sandwich. Just don’t say anything about it. I don’t want to see any comments or emails from you all in some sort of cacophony of reality or anything. Just humor me. It’s my birthday.

Go shorty! It’s my birthday!

I’m out.
Librarian Girl


  1. Okay, I will TOTALLY support your theory, but can I offer a supplementary insight? For me, your past five birthdays have sucked too, but mostly because I haven’t been there to celebrate them with you. Coincidence?

  2. My birthday fell in the middle of midterms every year. Nothing says love like unwrapped, pieces of junk found on the floor. I sympathize and suggest that you tell the universe to suck it by relocating your birthday to next week.

  3. I support the theory 100%–sometimes the stress of having to have a fun birthday just blows up and all of a sudden you’re covered in wretchedness. And if it makes you feel better, I almost always get sick for my birthdays. Hope you feel better (and happy birthday :))

  4. I’m TOTALLY on your side with the ‘Charlie Brown’ birthdays – however, I blame everything on my mother for a jillion reasons that I’m thinking I’ll need therapy for til the day I die. Feel free to blame yours on her as well. That’s my gift to you!p.s. Happy Birthday, anyway. :o) 3 Advil cold & flu, shot back with a double dose of Neo Citron. You may not feel that much better, but you won’t really care.

  5. I hope you feel better right away and I agree with the suggestion that you postpone the merriment till next week. We all promise to pretend we don’t know your birthday is this weekend and not next…

  6. I spent my last birthday convincing a friend that she shouldn’t miss out on her college graduation ceremony because of the huge zit on her face. She was a whiny brat the entire day but did eventually make it to the ceremony. Take this sick time to relax with a box of tissues and some meds. If you theory holds true, celebrating your birthday one week late should make it one HECK of a celebration!Happy birthday!!

  7. Happy birthday!!! Or am I supposed to be wishing you “sucky birthday!!!” so as to amplify the goodness of the other 364 days of the year? I don’t know. I’m in uncharted territory here, but I guess I can say that I hope you have whatever kind of birthday you want to have (regardless, it SHOULD involve dessert) and that your Rita Cosby reference made me laugh. I do a mean Rita Cosby, and most people have no idea what I’m up to when I break out the tipsy baritone.

  8. I like the idea of you telling the universe to suck it and celebrate next week. In the meantime, I think the best birthday gift to yourself would be a large bottle of drugs, and a day of sleep.Yay for October birthdays, though! Happy birthday Librarian Girl!

  9. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GORGEOUS! (yes you are STILL gorgeous with tissue jutting from yer nostrils)Take some Advil and squirt some nosespray and GO PLAY because DAMMIT it is YOUR BIRTHDAY.

  10. So, I guess that since you are presumably still celebrating your birthday this week, that it’s safe for me to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!Instead of “Happy Belated Birthday”, ya know? ‘Cuz, it’s like, not belated now, right?I hope you get to feeling better and have a fantastic week!

  11. it sucks that your birthday weekend was ruined. i hope you’re better and can top that daily bliss with some kickass birthday celebrating very soon. for extra measure, next weekend when i’m partying it up with my brother, i’ll be sure to do an extra shot just for you.

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