Stolen Moments

Have you ever stolen something? I have. Here is a list of stuff that I’ve stolen.

1. We used to teepee people when I was in high school. The way I spelled that, it sounds like my teen friends and I were erecting traditional Plains Indian dwellings and then putting people in them. Not that kind of teepee. It’s T.P. Which stands, to state the obvious, for toilet paper. We would get rolls of toilet paper and sneak into someone’s yard at night and throw toilet paper all over the branches of their trees. Preferably right before it rained, as then the teepee would stick to the branches and be impossible to clean off properly. Trust me, back in the day this was hilarious. And, because we were kids of parents who didn’t have money to burn, we wouldn’t have enough money to actually buy packs of toilet paper. So instead, we would go to the local Dunkin’ Donuts shop, use the public restrooms, and steal as much toilet paper as we could fit into our book bags. This was fun times on the streets of my youth.

2. Ok, this wasn’t actually ME doing the stealing, but I did benefit from it so it counts. In the 9th grade, the boys that I knew got into this competition where they would rip the hood ornaments off of fancy cars. I will spare you my analysis of class wars that went on in my home town, but suffice it to say that the fancier the hood ornament, the better. My boyfriend at the time stole the hood ornament off of a Mercedes once and busted out the middle part and gave me the outer circle part and I wore it around my wrist like a bangle. Accessorizing with stolen goods. I was not always the classy broad that I am today, you know.

3. When I was in 11th grade, one night we decided to steal one of those orange and white things that block off the street. The kind with the round, flashing orange lights on the top of it. We stole it, and put it in Map ‘s trunk. And then, in our carousing, we forgot about it. A week later, I was at Map’s house. We were standing in the front yard. Her dad was in the garage, and he opened up the trunk. All of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I saw flashes of orange. BLINK. BLINK. BLINK. The sucker was still blinking! Map’s dad looked at the stolen merch, turned around and looked at us, clearly not pleased. Map looked right back at him and shrugged. “Whoops!” she said. Genius explanation, no? Whoops. Next time you break the law, try saying that.

That’s about it. All the stealing I have done in my life. Not too bad, right? And all of it done between the ages of 14 and 18. Since then, I have kept my nose clean. Until today, that is.

I am stealing a blog idea from my blog friend, Chris, over at Rude Cactus. He’s started doing what he calls The Weeklies. If you want to see his version, go check it out. Even if you don’t, you should check him out. It’s good reading, Weeklies or not. Anyway, I liked his first Weekly so much that I told him I might have to steal it. He said that was cool with him. Is it still stealing if you have permission?

Librarian Girl’s Weekly #1 Which I Totally Stoled From Chris.

Weekly TeeVee: Have you guys been watching the new Tim Gunn show? Here are my thoughts in a nutshell. Tim has this little cabinet where he keeps various presents for the guest on the show. Every time he starts sidling over to this cabinet, you can bet the guest is getting a new purse, some new shoes, a diamond ring, SOMETHING. I call this, the Armoire of Surprise. I love this. I want one in my home. Also, the first week, Tim put the guest in the care of a make-up artist who spackled the poor thing to Kingdom Come. She put many, many layers of make-up on her. And then she gave her a makeup plan on paper to take home so she could re-create the look, and the paper was a tri-fold monstrosity the size of the Wall Street Journal. Tim also put this poor girl in a room with a “Lifestylist” who had over-gelled hair and a bad daddy-o outfit and the guy made this girl wear a trashbag dress, look in funhouse mirrors, and say stupid affirmations. As soon as the affirmations started, Nordic Boy started quoting the affirmations that Martin Blank had to say before trying to go murder someone in Grosse Point Blank. (Remember? “I am at home with the me, I am rooted in the me that is on this adventure.” Like that, only there was no irony with the Tim Gunn lifestylist.) Despite the Lifestylist and the sheer volume of makeup, I still adore Tim Gunn and will continue to watch.

Weekly Music: Check this out. Bet you didn’t think Lawrence Welk was smoking no fatties.

Weekly Worst Moment: When a hairstylist that I had just met smacked her bitch up. And the bitch was me. And then I paid her good money. I know I already told you about this. But I’m still bitter. God dammit.

Weekly Best Moment: Talking to my dad on his birthday yesterday. He’s 78. Woot! My dad rocks out in so many ways I can’t even tell you. But wait, I can. I did! Right here. Go read it. 78 years of living an interesting, compassionate, hilarious life deserves a little tribute, don’t you think? Ok, so if you don’t go read it, let me just say a little something right here. My dad is and was the most amazing, loving, unconditional dad in a world where, I’ve come to learn, dads are not always so great. I’m so, so grateful. Kisses, dad! Mwah!

Weekly Picture: I went into a restaurant the other day, and the floor was insane. I couldn’t stop looking at it. The tables at the restaurant were spaced out so that there were long expanses of this tile to look at. Which made me spaced out. I had to take a photo of it, because I am pseudo-arty that way.

Tokey Tile

Designed by Lawrence Welk. Because I felt two tokes over the line when I looked at it.

I’m out,
Librarian Girl

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12 comments

  1. Maybe Lawrence thought a “toke” was some measure of karma-like storage created by Gale and Dale. Like, “My soul is two tokes from getting into heaven.” Then again, he seemed to struggle a little with the introduction. Maybe all of that coughing was because Lawrence took one too many tokes before the show…

  2. Hmmm, you’ve sent me down memory lane with the stealing bit. I never stole stuff because I was too chicken. But my best friend in junior high went through a major shoplifting phase. She’d go to the mall and come home with her clothes bulging with Cover Girl and Maybelline.As far as I know, she’s now a productive, non-criminal, law-abiding citizen.

  3. So, here’s my take on the Tim Gunn show: yes, it’s a fancied up version of What Not To Wear. Tim trumps Stacey. But Clinton and Veronica Webb are a tie. I wub Veronica, so it makes me happy to see her out there again. The Armoire of Surprise angered my husband the first week. The replacement ring completely missed the point of a man choosing a ring with which to propose. I was down with last week’s bag, though.And Tim Gunn made me realize why my favorite skirt looks bad on me. It cuts me off mid-thigh.

  4. OW! my eyes!!! That floor must lead to accidents on a daily basis…I saw the Lawrence Welk Hippie scene just last week… funny, I don’t remember it being anywhere near that swingin’ when I used to watch it with my Nana (who turns 92 on Monday – rock on, Nana and all other folks over 70!)

  5. Thank you, thank you for the Lawrence Welk clip. There aren’t enough days in the year for Lawrence Welk jokes, & you’ve just added another one to my repertoire.

  6. When I was in high school I worked at CVS. I stole a Coke each and every day, I stole cigarettes, and once I stole a Miracle Ear for a friend because he wanted to see if it would give him super hearing. It didn’t.

  7. In high school I stole milk crates from outside a grocery store. Over the years they have been used as seating, book cases, sawhorses, step ladders and are very handy when moving. They say “Theft of this case is a crime” on the sides.

  8. Holy crap I stole one of those construction blinkie things too. That mother blinked for months and months and ended up being a part of many jokes before I chucked it back along the highway. My thing was restaurant stuff. The salt, pepper, OJ carafe from Perkins, posters, umm…plates, mugs…too much stuff. The food posters were an awesome touch for my dorm room decor. They went well with the traffic signs.Klepo I guess.

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