I would like to go on record here and say that I am not consistently stupid about any one subject. Ok, maybe hardware. I am consistently stupid about hardware and other Home Depot-ish things. I don’t care how many nuts and screws I have seen in my life, all I will ever get from the phrase nuts and screws is a hearty chuckle because, you know, nuts. And screws. Funny! But other than that, I am not consistently stupid about any one subject. Rather, I am inconsistently stupid in a variety of subjects. I go through my days, being somewhat smart 99% of the time. But that last 1%. Wow. The lengths of dumb that are contained in that 1% is enough for hours of entertainment.
Every morning, I make myself a 1/2 cup of oatmeal. I am seldom hungry enough to eat a 1/2 cup of oatmeal, so I end up wasting some of it. Every day.
Nordic Boy: Why don’t you just make yourself a quarter cup of oatmeal?
Me: I tried that. It’s not enough.
Nordic Boy: Ok, how about a third of a cup?
Me: I don’t know how. I wouldn’t know how much water to put in.
Nordic Boy: So, a half cup needs how much water?
Me: One cup.
Nordic Boy: So for a third, you’d need?
Me: That’s just it. It doesn’t say on the box.
Nordic Boy: It’s DOUBLE the water. Get it? Half a cup equals one cup water?
Me: …(pause)… oooooh. So a third… just put in two thirds? ….ooooh. Right.
Yes, it is my job to give people information. I have a degree that says I am qualified that I paid good money for. On many other subjects I can know-it-all you under the table. Just not oatmeal prep. Shut up.
I went to see the Bourne Ultimatum last night. First of all, is it me or are there like 85 gajillion previews before a movie these days? I am all for previews, but dang, people. Anyway. Bourne Ultimatum. I quite liked it. I am not a big action film lover, but you know what? I get hordes of pleasure from watching people get things done in a quick, direct manner. Do you get what I’m saying? It’s the same pleasure I get with my to-do list each day. BAM! Checking things off. POP! On to the next. CRACK! So frickin’ productive. WHAM! And I’m done. Die, to-do list! DIE! Watching Matt Damon run around, knowing what he’s doing, outsmarting people. It’s like a know-it-all paradise with fistfights and car chases thrown in, really. If he had carried a to-do list around with him while eluding the CIA and crossed off tasks as he went along, I tell you, I would have been in hog heaven.
There was only one thing that marred the blood-soaked to-do list movie. Sitting in front of me, was a family. A woman, a man, and two little kids. And the kids. They were little. Like, maybe 7 and 9 years old. Listen, I am not saying that they shouldn’t have been at this movie. The parents know their own kids and I have no judgment about that. It just made me squirm a little bit, having these little kids right in front of me while the killing spree was happening. It was like watching a sex scene with my mom in the room. I kept thinking about them, as the scenes were happening. What were they thinking? Was any of this too scary for them? Are they ok? It’s ok if you want to close your eyes, kids! I do too, at certain moments! It’s perfectly alright if this is too much for you! You know that when they are holding Matt Damon’s head under water with a bag over his head, it’s just acting, right? I just had overwhelming thoughts about media literacy throughout the entire movie and what sorts of things I would want those little kids to know, and hoping that they knew them. At least, that’s what I was thinking about in between the moments of enjoying Matt Damon beating the shit out of someone. So I guess that proves that I really know nothing, so who am I to talk. I mean, sheesh- I don’t even know how to make oatmeal.
Kiss the rings, I’m out.