Oatmeal Ultimatum

I would like to go on record here and say that I am not consistently stupid about any one subject. Ok, maybe hardware. I am consistently stupid about hardware and other Home Depot-ish things. I don’t care how many nuts and screws I have seen in my life, all I will ever get from the phrase nuts and screws is a hearty chuckle because, you know, nuts. And screws. Funny! But other than that, I am not consistently stupid about any one subject. Rather, I am inconsistently stupid in a variety of subjects. I go through my days, being somewhat smart 99% of the time. But that last 1%. Wow. The lengths of dumb that are contained in that 1% is enough for hours of entertainment.

Every morning, I make myself a 1/2 cup of oatmeal. I am seldom hungry enough to eat a 1/2 cup of oatmeal, so I end up wasting some of it. Every day.

Nordic Boy: Why don’t you just make yourself a quarter cup of oatmeal?
Me: I tried that. It’s not enough.
Nordic Boy: Ok, how about a third of a cup?
Me: I don’t know how. I wouldn’t know how much water to put in.
Nordic Boy: So, a half cup needs how much water?
Me: One cup.
Nordic Boy: So for a third, you’d need?
Me: That’s just it. It doesn’t say on the box.
Nordic Boy: It’s DOUBLE the water. Get it? Half a cup equals one cup water?
Me: …(pause)… oooooh. So a third… just put in two thirds? ….ooooh. Right.

Yes, it is my job to give people information. I have a degree that says I am qualified that I paid good money for. On many other subjects I can know-it-all you under the table. Just not oatmeal prep. Shut up.

I went to see the Bourne Ultimatum last night. First of all, is it me or are there like 85 gajillion previews before a movie these days? I am all for previews, but dang, people. Anyway. Bourne Ultimatum. I quite liked it. I am not a big action film lover, but you know what? I get hordes of pleasure from watching people get things done in a quick, direct manner. Do you get what I’m saying? It’s the same pleasure I get with my to-do list each day. BAM! Checking things off. POP! On to the next. CRACK! So frickin’ productive. WHAM! And I’m done. Die, to-do list! DIE! Watching Matt Damon run around, knowing what he’s doing, outsmarting people. It’s like a know-it-all paradise with fistfights and car chases thrown in, really. If he had carried a to-do list around with him while eluding the CIA and crossed off tasks as he went along, I tell you, I would have been in hog heaven.

There was only one thing that marred the blood-soaked to-do list movie. Sitting in front of me, was a family. A woman, a man, and two little kids. And the kids. They were little. Like, maybe 7 and 9 years old. Listen, I am not saying that they shouldn’t have been at this movie. The parents know their own kids and I have no judgment about that. It just made me squirm a little bit, having these little kids right in front of me while the killing spree was happening. It was like watching a sex scene with my mom in the room. I kept thinking about them, as the scenes were happening. What were they thinking? Was any of this too scary for them? Are they ok? It’s ok if you want to close your eyes, kids! I do too, at certain moments! It’s perfectly alright if this is too much for you! You know that when they are holding Matt Damon’s head under water with a bag over his head, it’s just acting, right? I just had overwhelming thoughts about media literacy throughout the entire movie and what sorts of things I would want those little kids to know, and hoping that they knew them. At least, that’s what I was thinking about in between the moments of enjoying Matt Damon beating the shit out of someone. So I guess that proves that I really know nothing, so who am I to talk. I mean, sheesh- I don’t even know how to make oatmeal.

Kiss the rings, I’m out.
Librarian Girl


  1. Once I was watching a movie that was supposed to be funny, with my mom. And then there was a sex scene, which made me kinda squirmish. And then there were on screen off screen on screen off screen flashes of boobies.I looked for the remote to fast forward the scene when I heard my very Indian mom start giggling.That was pretty troubling. PS: I screw up my oatmeal every other day too. normally at work, and in those Styrofoam cups that poisons you.

  2. Ahhh. The oatmeal and the math. Love one, loathe the other. It is awesome that you have Nordic Boy to help with the oatmeal math. I am still stuck doing only what the oatmeal box tells me. ^_^

  3. It’s not just the number of previews, it’s the length of each! With some of the, ah, fluffier pictures, I don’t see how there could be any plot left!I am with you on the kids thing, for sure.

  4. Who knows? Maybe bringing their kids to that movie was those parents exhibiting their own personal 1%. Maybe they are smart and perfect all the time, dream parents, but this was their little slip-up, their little oatmeal measuring blindness on display.Or not. If I felt like I knew anything at all about children, maybe I’d have had some.

  5. I am with you on the oatmeal thing. But my “moments” normally involve rice and I don’t make it every day. However, thanks to this enlightening post and Nordic Boy, I will now be able to correct this issue in my life. So, thanks!As far as sex scenes, they make me feel weird watching them with my mom. Even worse? Having to sit through one with my dad in the room. Shivers.

  6. hmm I never had a problem watching sex scenes with my mom in the room, but I recently discovered it is decidedly AAAWKWARD when my dad is in the room (movie: 300, what is up with those NIPPLES?)Anyway, i hate oatmeal.

  7. 1. I would TOTALLY screw up the amount of water or milk or whatever to put in a recipe if it involved doing any sort of math whatsoever. I am a librarian. Ask me about books and I will amaze you.2. I LOVE the previews. However, don’t you think they show WAY too much of the movie nowadays? Do they think we are so STUPID they have to tell us EVERYTHING?OK, enough caps. Time for bed. I’ve exhausted myself.

  8. Okay, folks, I do fine w/ oatmeal, but the really f-ed up math comes in w/ Cream of Wheat. Look at the bos and you’ll think Cream of What?!!!?? I think there are logrithms involved w/ that one. Jeesh! My grandma made me cover my eyes during the boob parts in National Lampoon’s European Vacation. That was more embarrassing than sitting through them.

  9. there were very young children in the theater when i watched ‘saw II’. i don’t even know what i was doing there that thing was so violent. it really disturbed me that someone would let their children watch that. at the library where i work, the little kids are always asking for messed up movies like ‘hostel’ and ‘devil’s rejects’. it makes me sad since i know that they live in gangland and they all seem to know someone in prison. but who are we to say? i watched ‘exorcist’ when i was 7 and i’m doing fine. of course i lived in the ‘burbs and had a good family and opportunities.

  10. Friggin’ oatmeal will be the death of all of us. We all have our ‘brain-fart’ moments, believe me.So, “Bourne” was good? I’m not an action movie lover at all, but I was even considering this one.

  11. that concept is why i can’t make rice. unlike nordic boy, my mother’s advice is always some immeasurable amount, like “add 2 fistfuls and a little bit extra water.” yeah mom, let me write that down. i can’t stand it when people bring infants to the movies/outdoor concerts. they’ll be deaf before they’re old enough to even understand what they’re hearing.

  12. Should I point out that you can actually make a week’s worth of oatmeal and just heat up the little tupperware container? No? Ok, how about if I tell that I was 37 when I learned the line in a fraction means to divide? My boy taught me that with a very concerned look on his face. Go California Public School System Go!Most boys love math. Most girls love boys. I’m just saying.

  13. While reading about the math conversion, I was trying my damnedest to do the proper math–I failed miserably so please know that you are not alone (no reference to Michael Jackson implied). When I went to see Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix, there was a 4 year old girl with her parents and I worried about her the entire movie. Particularly during the really excessively long kissing scene–or maybe that was just me that was uncomfortable.

  14. Oh dude. I do the exact same thing. The worst is with pronoucing stuff. I thought Jesuit was pronouced “Jay-suit” until a humiliating experience in a freshman theology class at Notre Dame. 99% smart, 1% not so much!

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