When Nordic Boy is away on business, we are in constant contact with one another. I don’t know how this habit started, and for some reason, I’m kind of embarrassed about this. Ok, maybe the reason is that Bio-Girl totally MADE FUN OF IT and I felt shame. SHAME! Which is really dumb for me to feel because Bio-Girl and I have a more joined-at-the-hip communication style than Nordic Boy and I do, so who is she to talk? Honestly. Nordic Boy calls me too much? Um, hi Bio-Girl, or should I say hi, pot– how’s that calling-the-kettle-black thing going?
So Nordic Boy calls me a lot when he’s gone. When he’s away on business, he usually has to go from meeting to meeting, from building site to building site, and so he calls me in between each, just to say hey. As the days go by, the check-in calls get more and more comical. Here’s a sampling.
Me (groggily): Hello?
Him: Hey babe, what are you doing?
Him: Dude, you have to get up! You’re going to be late!
Me: What? I don’t have to work until 9:30!
Him: I know!
Me: It’s only 7!
Him: It is? Oh, yeah. I guess it is. My first meeting is at 8.
Me: But that’s YOU. See, I’m a different person than you are. Remember?
Him: Yeah. Ha ha.
Me: (half into my pillow) It’s totally raining. What the hell is up with that?
Him: I can’t understand a word you just said. Go back to sleep.
Him: Hellooooo me-lay-deeeeee!
Me: Wow, we’re singing now?
Him: Oh yes, we aaaaaaaare!
Him: What’s up?
Me: Just taking a break. What happened to the singing?
Him: So over it.
Me: That was quick.
Him: I’m shallow that way.
Me: What are you going to have for lunch?
Him: I don’t know. There’s a deli next to this building I’m at. Maybe that.
Him: Call you later.
Me: Look at that! Me calling YOU!
Me: Are you so surprised?
Me: You’re so humoring me right now, aren’t you?
Him: A little.
Me: What’s up? How’s your day?
Him: I feel like Leonardo DeCaprio in the Aviator.
Me: “Show me all the blueprints, show me all the blueprints”?
Him: Totally. What’s going on with you?
Me: I’m wearing the wrong outfit today.
Him: What’s wrong with it?
Me: You really want me to go into it?
Him: If you can do it in 5 minutes. I’m walking to a meeting.
Me: Five minutes? Not going to happen.
Him: Tell me later.
4pm (on my voicemail)
Him: Hey sweetness, it’s 4pm and I am on my way to the last site of the day. Where are you? Breaking hearts and taking names? Are you at the top of the charts? Are you sticking it to the man? Are you fighting the power? I don’t even know what I’m saying. Aren’t you glad I called? Ok, hanging up. Love love love.
Me: I just had dinner with Sarah and it was so good.
Him: I just had dinner too and I bet it was better than yours.
Me: What’s with the contest?
Him: I’m just saying. It was better than yours. I know it.
Me: What did you have?
Him: I went to that Lebanese place on Hawthorne.
Me: AWWWWW! My favorite place!
Him: I know. It was right down the street from where my last meeting was.
Me: So obviously how could you not take advantage of that and go there?
Me: I would have been mad at you had you NOT gone there.
Him: I know.
Me: Yet, I’m kind of mad at you for getting to go there without me.
Him: I know that too. But, believe me when I say this. I went there all for the love of you.
Me: Shut up, you went there for the grape leaves.
Him: “‘Cause I’m your ladyyyyyy, and you are my maaaaaan…”
Me: First of all, you’re singing our genders backwards. Second of all, Celine Dion never makes me feel LESS anger.
Him: “Whenever you reeeeach for meeeeee….I’ll drive in my vaaaaan.”
Me: You’ll drive in your van when I reach for you?
Him: If I had a van, I totally would.
Me: Call me later.
Kiss the rings, I’m out.