Far be it from me to say something unladylike (hey! I saw that eye-roll!), but can I just say that being sick sucks ass-water? I can’t? How about hot dog water? Yes? Ok. BEING SICK SUCKS HOT DOG WATER.
I know, I know. Having a little cough is not the end of the world. Trust me, with the drama surrounding my dad’s health, I am quite aware that this is small potatoes compared to lots of other things. Small potatoes? Is that right? Or is it small peanuts? What is that saying? Whatevs. Small twinkies, small matzo balls. It’s not a big deal, is my point. But still, I’m feeling whiny. Whiny and coughy.
I am just about all better, but what kind of mutant virus is this that is sticking to my lungs for two whole weeks? It is so aggravating, people. I am SO OVER IT. It’s cramping my style. Everything nice makes me cough more. Eating makes me cough, exercising makes me cough, talking makes me cough, and making out is totally out of the question. The only thing that seems to calm it down is sitting. very. still. That and popping Riccola like they are Scooby snacks. And really, what is the point of popping Riccola if you can’t yell out “Reeeeee-colaahhhhh!” every time you do so? And I can’t do that because it makes me double over with the hacking. And the hacking? It’s ruining my rep as the foxy mucus-free lady that I have been carefully cultivating for the past few years.
At least, for a couple of days there, I had my new husky voice to make me feel better. I am choosing to think of it as a sexy Kathleen Turner thing, rather than a wait-a-minute-are-you-a-dude thing. But now even that is wearing off and I am just me, with coughing, and without talking and make out privileges. And WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT TALKING AND MAKE OUT PRIVILEGES?
I can see why Katie Couric beat up that guy for using the word “sputum.” Maybe she had the same virus I have. At this point in the game, someone saying sputum would put me over the edge too.
Anyone have any miracle cures for lingering coughs? Send them my way. I have much talking and making out to catch up on.
Kiss the rings, I’m out.