I am not, at heart, a couple person. I think of myself as more of a single person who happens to have a partner. If this makes sense to you, then kudos to you, because I realize it sounds more than slightly nonsensical, and it probably is, but I’m not going to get into all the whys and wherefores of my feelings on this. Let’s just say that I don’t want vows, or to walk down an aisle and say anything in front of anyone about how I feel about my dude, and the day that I don’t get a happy stomach wobble when Nordic Boy walks into the room is the day that we say happy trails. Listen, we’ve been together for years upon years upon years and it works for me. This does not mean that I don’t thoroughly enjoy the show Bridezillas. I almost want to be a bride just for that alone. But I digress.
One of the coupley things that often happens, I hear, is that when one person goes out of town, the other person has a little party with themselves where they do things that they used to do when they were single. I don’t really know what those things would be. What aren’t people doing because someone else is there? I really can’t think of what would be on this list. Maybe you’d rent a movie that your partner wouldn’t like. But really, you should be doing that anyway, is my opinion. Why would you spend your entire life only watching movies that the both of you like? And if your partner will think less of you for watching WKRP re-runs while polishing off an entire pint of Chunky Monkey in your underwear, then they shouldn’t be your partner in the first place, is what I’m thinking. You shouldn’t have all the same habits, and you shouldn’t have to hide your habits. Maybe you would go out with your friends when your honey is out of town. Again, my question is why aren’t you doing that anyway? I don’t know. What could these home-alone behaviors be?
I think I may have found mine. After work yesterday, I had a very ordinary evening. I ate dinner, talked to Bio-Girl on the phone (where a deep subtextual analysis of the Gilmore Girls took place), talked to Nordic Boy who’s working in Portland, watched a little tv, read a book, watered my plants, hung out with Delium. I tried to think of something different to do because I had the house to myself, but nothing came to mind. I closed out the evening by taking my laptop into bed and watching “The Queen” with Helen Mirren. I mean, I watched Helen Mirren as the Queen. I did not watch “The Queen” with Helen Mirren. I should be so lucky to have that foxy lady in my bedroom. Unless she was in my bedroom as the Queen. Because that’s not foxy. Unless, you know, that’s what you’re into. And I wouldn’t judge you if it was. Well, maybe I would, but only a little. Anywho. Halfway through the movie, I started to get sleepy (all that quiet restraint and prunefaced staring can be quite exhausting, you know. I mean, it’s the Queen who’s having the quiet restraint and the pruneface. Not ME. Apparently talking about Helen Mirren gets me all confused. Must be the foxyness). ANYWHO. I put the laptop on the bedside table, turned out the lights, and snoozed it up.
When I woke up this morning, I lollygagged in bed for a few minutes, as I always do. I should get up and finish that movie is what I thought to myself. Then I thought, get up? Why get up? I could just reach down, pull my laptop back into bed with me, put it on Nordic Boy’s pillow, and watch the movie without moving a muscle.
This is a new level of movie watching lows, people. To think it’s ok to not even sit up in bed, to just lie one’s head right on the pillow and watch a movie? Sideways. Horizontally. OY. This is behavior that has crossed a line.
I am happy to report that I did not succumb to this idea. Not today anyway. If the next time I post I tell you that I am not vertical while typing it, please send help.
Kiss the rings, I’m out.