In Bed With Helen Mirren

I am not, at heart, a couple person. I think of myself as more of a single person who happens to have a partner. If this makes sense to you, then kudos to you, because I realize it sounds more than slightly nonsensical, and it probably is, but I’m not going to get into all the whys and wherefores of my feelings on this. Let’s just say that I don’t want vows, or to walk down an aisle and say anything in front of anyone about how I feel about my dude, and the day that I don’t get a happy stomach wobble when Nordic Boy walks into the room is the day that we say happy trails. Listen, we’ve been together for years upon years upon years and it works for me. This does not mean that I don’t thoroughly enjoy the show Bridezillas. I almost want to be a bride just for that alone. But I digress.

One of the coupley things that often happens, I hear, is that when one person goes out of town, the other person has a little party with themselves where they do things that they used to do when they were single. I don’t really know what those things would be. What aren’t people doing because someone else is there? I really can’t think of what would be on this list. Maybe you’d rent a movie that your partner wouldn’t like. But really, you should be doing that anyway, is my opinion. Why would you spend your entire life only watching movies that the both of you like? And if your partner will think less of you for watching WKRP re-runs while polishing off an entire pint of Chunky Monkey in your underwear, then they shouldn’t be your partner in the first place, is what I’m thinking. You shouldn’t have all the same habits, and you shouldn’t have to hide your habits. Maybe you would go out with your friends when your honey is out of town. Again, my question is why aren’t you doing that anyway? I don’t know. What could these home-alone behaviors be?

I think I may have found mine. After work yesterday, I had a very ordinary evening. I ate dinner, talked to Bio-Girl on the phone (where a deep subtextual analysis of the Gilmore Girls took place), talked to Nordic Boy who’s working in Portland, watched a little tv, read a book, watered my plants, hung out with Delium. I tried to think of something different to do because I had the house to myself, but nothing came to mind. I closed out the evening by taking my laptop into bed and watching “The Queen” with Helen Mirren. I mean, I watched Helen Mirren as the Queen. I did not watch “The Queen” with Helen Mirren. I should be so lucky to have that foxy lady in my bedroom. Unless she was in my bedroom as the Queen. Because that’s not foxy. Unless, you know, that’s what you’re into. And I wouldn’t judge you if it was. Well, maybe I would, but only a little. Anywho. Halfway through the movie, I started to get sleepy (all that quiet restraint and prunefaced staring can be quite exhausting, you know. I mean, it’s the Queen who’s having the quiet restraint and the pruneface. Not ME. Apparently talking about Helen Mirren gets me all confused. Must be the foxyness). ANYWHO. I put the laptop on the bedside table, turned out the lights, and snoozed it up.

When I woke up this morning, I lollygagged in bed for a few minutes, as I always do. I should get up and finish that movie is what I thought to myself. Then I thought, get up? Why get up? I could just reach down, pull my laptop back into bed with me, put it on Nordic Boy’s pillow, and watch the movie without moving a muscle.

This is a new level of movie watching lows, people. To think it’s ok to not even sit up in bed, to just lie one’s head right on the pillow and watch a movie? Sideways. Horizontally. OY. This is behavior that has crossed a line.

I am happy to report that I did not succumb to this idea. Not today anyway. If the next time I post I tell you that I am not vertical while typing it, please send help.

Kiss the rings, I’m out.
Librarian Girl


  1. Do it. Watch your movie horizontally!My secret single behavior is top volume karaoke. I sing out loud all the time when the spouse is around. But when I’m by myself I sing good. Like I mean it.He busted me once by coming home early while I was practicing “Tell Him” by The Exciters in the shower. That made me blush.

  2. I admit that I save chick movies and indie films for nights when MB is out of town or hanging out with his friends.It’s SO much easier than listening to him bitch because I’m watching The Secretary or something.

  3. this is a foreign concept to me because H is permanently not around. but i’m pretty sure when we find ourselves in the same zip code 365, he won’t give up on baseball fanaticism and i’ll still watch bad indian soap operas (for their educational value, of course). we just might have to do so in separate rooms and talk to each other on the phone– pretty much how it is now.

  4. There is definitely something to be said for alone, time if only that it means not to be interrupted while reading, watching tv, or playing video games to some new thing he’s found. Hey I said if you wanna watch a The Queen with Helen Mirren laying on your side you ought to. Just don’t make it an all day thing. Unless you’re sick. Then anything goes.

  5. The only thing I do differently when my husband is gone is play hours of World of Warcraft, because he is not there to nag me into giving him a turn. We live dangerously. LYLAS!

  6. When The Hub is not around, I love having the house absolutely silent. This is not something you can do without cramping somebody else’s style who is a natural noisemaker. He’s usually playing the guitar, listening to tunes as he works, or building something. So, when he’s gone–it’s total quietness for me. Maybe it’s my inner librarian taking hold with the big Shhhhhh at last.

  7. I watched part (never finished the whole thing) of The Queen horizontally on the couch with my laptop on the coffee table right in front of my face at eye level. Does that compare? I should say this wasn’t on a DVD (it was on a bootleg site you can watch free movies on – The Queen was a version someone sat in a theater and taped from the audience so it was bad quality). Just wanted to clarify that so y’all didn’t think I was so lazy I stuck the DVD in my laptop rather than get up and play it on my TV. That would clearly have been unacceptable lazy single time behavior.Hot Brazilian isn’t at my house enough that I have to “save” single things to do when he’s not around.

  8. I’m trying to think of what my secret single behavior is. I’m not entirely sure. It might be having ice cream and a Take 5 bar for dinner? (Something about living with a partner makes me feel like dinner should be a meal meal. Left to my own devices, it more closely resembles grazing.)Also, playing music while I clean. @ doesn’t share my taste in music, so I take the opportunity to blast a little Frankie Beverly or summat while I tidy up. (Not that I in any way encourage tidying up as a rule. I’m just sayin.)

  9. That first paragraph is one of the most romantic things I’ve ever read – realistically romantic. I feel the exact same way about myself and my relationships. The only thing I do differently when alone is sleep in more since I don’t have a spastic but loveable guy bouncing around in his underwear asking me when I want coffee.

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